Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Can't Win for Losing Issue
© July 2000, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Not married? Never going to get married? Ever? Been there, done that?
Never getting married again? Then this issue's not for you. Give it away!

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

MARITAL ARGUING A SIGN OF THE RELATIONSHIP–CHALLENGED

How often have you been walking thorough the jungle and encountered Mr. and Mrs. Chimpanzee arguing? Not often? See there? They must be more intelligent.

Arguing is — just plain stupid.

Ever notice when you talk with your husband or wife how fast the gremlins in your gut come out to correct and disagree? It must be that the parts of our brains designed to understand people and work with them went the way of the dinosaurs.

I mean, why would we want to be helpful when it is so natural to be contrary? It makes all the sense in the world (doesn't it?) to wreck havoc with our mate's self-esteem for an ego trip that in time is worth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . absolutely nothing!

This superiority craziness goes hand in hand with other wise ways of living, such as:

(1) Why put money in the bank when you can spend it?

(2) Don't feed the dog - he can eat the neighbor's pet rabbits. And,

(3) Why put gas in the car when you can have the surprise of not knowing where you spend the night? For example, on a dangerous highway or in the middle of a bad neighborhood!

Understand one another? Appreciate one another's differences? Are you crazy? And give the wife or husband an edge?

Okay, so let's say you and your marital bliss partner are out hiking in the Colorado forest. Last night you won an argument, felt superior and gloated. Today, however, you tripped on a rock that rolled out from under your foot and sprained your ankle. So now you (Mr. or Mrs. I-Won-the-Argument-Last-Night) want sympathy.

But, what a wonderful, unconscious opportunity for Pay Back. And your "in sickness or in health" dearly beloved might not remember the vows. Instead of the TLC you want, you'll likely get RKB (Royal Kick in the Butt). Haven't you just loved those "Watch where you're walking" lectures since early childhood? Don't you miss like crazy being told off or reminded of your mistakes?

Well, win as many arguments in your "days of wine and roses" relationship as you like. Assure yourself of many joys that go back to caveman days: bickering, fighting, loneliness, tension, hatred, one-upmanship, - you name it.

But, don't blame me!

THE STRAIGHT STORY

(wherein I make the point almost without the humorous twist)

DICK WULF'S RULE.RE. ARGUMENTS:  Try not to win arguments with your spouse - it's incredibly dysfunctional to a good relationship.

The assumption here is that your spouse should be your helper in life. Therefore, winning an argument is like breaking the legs of the person who might have to help you up. Not a really good idea.

Anything that decreases your spouse's confidence makes him or her less able to help you. (And, by "help", we're not talking about washing the dishes.) In other words, anything but a win-win interaction is actually a lose-lose result. Husbands and wives should never be opponents. Unfortunately, many are. But they can change and have a real marriage at last. And it can then be a marriage that will probably last to that "death do us part" thing.

Each partner in a marriage was designed to be the other's helper. This is the grand purpose for marriage. The challenges of life make this help critical. Husbands and wives have needed each other's help ever since Adam and Eve skinney-dipped in the Garden of Eden (see Genesis, chapter two).

Spouses need help in doing the right things - just as with earth's first two inhabitants. They also need each other's help in being successful husband and wife, parents, employees, etc. They can significantly help one another pursue happiness, contentment, peace of mind, and personal goals. They are essential in helping each other with the really tough parts of life.

The more spouses grow in their ability to help one another, the less dispensable they become. I'm banking on this. Maybe you want to also. If I work hard at helping my wife Jean, I become too valuable for her to easily give in to some tempting hunk of a man who crosses her path.

Besides, this purpose of helping your spouse is a far cry better than any other purpose for a marital relationship. It sure beats a life of only self-fulfillment. (You know - "I gotta be me, and phooey on you!")

Imagine how it feels to continually lose arguments with the person you have to live with day after day. Pretty crummy. And then your partner realizes – you, who has to win all of the disagreements and always be right -- are an idiot! Then he or she becomes mad!

But then, you, Mr. or Mrs. Know-It-All still expect TLC. (That's how your partner knows you are really, really stupid!) Forgetaboutit. Your partner won't give to the relationship like before. Your spouse will do the minimum - or worst. And, all because you had to make him or her feel stupid, wrong, brainless, inferior, and addlebrained.

Nice job, Partner of the Year!

CLASSIFIEDS

FREE ARGUMENTS

Don't need 'em anymore. Meet me behind the McDonald's in town this weekend. I'll give you what I've got. Bring a car or truck with lots of space. Got boxes of alibis, defenses, raised voices, cold shoulders and needless pontifications.

HELPING HANDS

MLM opportunity. Huge market of husbands and wives who don't want to do the job themselves.

IF YOU DON'T want to do your job, I'll step in. My wife left, so I'd be glad to take your wife from one of you lazy husbands. Call Tuesdays. Rocky's Gym.

MR MUGSY:

Please cancel the contract. He's a changed man and has become my best helper in life. You can keep the money.

ANTI-LIBRARY CARD

Hey, you don't need a library card. You know it all. With this card in your wallet, if you ever try to enter a library, the computers will automatically dial 911.

DEAR JOHN LETTERS

Complete library of "Get Lost" letters. Choose the one that fits and mail it off first class!

HEAD-BONE EXPANDER

Give that big head of yours some room to breathe! Simple to install. Attaches to your buttocks.

IN THE NEWS

CONTRARY, MISSOURI     Residents of this small town were shocked when they learned that Elmo Zottlebanger spent three nights on the roof of his house without food or water. Fortunately for him, he had taken a liter of Pepsi with him when he went up to repair the chimney.

Neighbors became concerned when they drove by for the third day and Elmo was still lying on the ridgeline of his house. The local firefighters came to his rescue just before lunchtime.

When Alberta, Elmo's wife, came out to watch the rescue, she was questioned as to the reason Elmo spent three nights on the roof. In reply, she said she'd removed the ladder. As she left, she was heard mumbling, "Mr. I'm-Smarter-Than-You had won his last argument at her expense."