Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The How Not to Win an Argument Issue
© August 2000, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Hey! Come on. You don't need to be right! Do you? You do? Why?

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

HOW TO SIDESTEP THE STUPIDEST IDEAS WITHOUT WINNING

In an earlier article I raved insanely about how incredibly stupid it is to win an argument with your partner if he or she is to be your helper. By now, you've probably been able to gain control over your mocking laughter. (I heard it! I was deeply hurt.) So, I'm going to try to be an even bigger pain-in-the-neck and give you ways out of winning - even when you are incredibly soooooo. . . right.

But, that ridiculous counselor Dick Wulf (me) said not to tear down your helper's self-esteem, not to act smarter. You wonder if Dick had had some kind of horrible allergic reaction when he wrote that earlier issue of his infamous newsletter. (It's possible.) You ask yourself a question. (You ask it quietly - inside your own head - I know, for some of you that is pretty loud - but not out loud so your suicidal nut-for-a-husband/wife doesn't get wind of how stinky you think the idea of car catapulting really is.) You ask, "Does Dick Wulf really have a professional Masters Degree from Columbia University?" (Believe it or not, I do. But it was 36 years ago. Maybe that explains it.)

Then it strikes you. There are a number of ways out of doing what comes naturally when your partner suggests driving off a 2,000 foot cliff. Yes, sir, Mortimer (or Gertrude). There are lots of ways to avoid showing your spouse how stupid such an idea is. And, then you don't have to argue and act stupid. 'Cuz, two stupids don't make a smart, do they, Mort (or Gertie)?

Once your mind gets going, you list all sorts of responses to your partner's suggestion to rev up the old family car and zoom off into eternity.

1. "You just might have an idea there. Why don't you try it first. If it works, come back and get me and we'll do it together."
2. "Can you wait a minute while I drink fast-acting poison?"
3. "But, what will we do for fun after that?"
4. "Why not do it backwards? Then, if we see it is not working, we can slam that Ford in first gear and come back to safe ground."
5. "Can we write our obituaries first?"
6. "Can we have your mother do it first?"
7. "Maybe they didn't have as good a car as we do, but I think I heard that somebody tried that in a Chevy Corvette - I know it wasn't a Ford, but. . . they died. In case that would happen to us, are you ready to meet your Maker? . . . On second thought, I have a few things I'd like to take care of before I meet Him. Just in case, you know, it doesn't work out. Maybe if we both clean up our acts, we can try it next year."
8. "Have we had the car tuned up lately?"
9. "Nah, been there. Done that." OR "Nah, I don't want to do that. It sounds fun, but you know how sick I get on roller coaster rides."
10. "I've got a headache. Can we do it later?" (This one is good for all kinds of things.)

See how easy it is to not win an argument?

B. When You Are 110% Sure You're Right

A. Not Winning is Easy When You're Not Necessarily Right

REPEAT: Not winning is easy when you're not necessarily right. Just say so!

And guess what? You are almost always possibly wrong.

A time-honored way of not winning or looking like every thought of yours is worth a Pulitzer Prize is to simply say, "I'm not sure I'm right, but I think . . . ."

This can be expanded. "I'm not sure I'm right. And I'm not sure you are right. How might we find out who is right without arguing?"

Most people don't really mind being wrong. They don't like LOSING. If you say that you are right, you imply the other person is wrong. That will sound like you're trying to win. And they will be afraid of losing. But, since in Case A you are not sure you are "right", you'd never imply you were right. Would you?

B. Not Winning is a Challenge When You Are Pretty Certain You're Right

The first thing you must do is not care if you are right. Ever. That itself takes the win-lose game away. Even if the other person cares about winning. It takes two to make a contest.

Just this "I don't care about winning" attitude does a couple of things. It changes your voice to a non-threatening tone. You can say, "I don't agree with that (or you)" without sounding challenging. And it sets your mind to finding a solution rather than a "right" or "wrong".

You can also say that it seems the two of you see things differently and ask if you can just try to understand each other's perspective. Once you get such an agreement, a solution can be sought that is better than those already proposed. Or, one person will come to understand a situation or decision in the way the other sees it, without having to lose, since that is the way the person now sees it. Both are right.

Sometimes you just have to say, "We see things differently, and I don't want this to cause a problem between us. Can we try to find something that will work for both of us?" Usually, the thing does not need to be decided right then. So time can be taken to understand one another's point of view.

Sometimes, when the other makes something a "win-lose" contest, you can just ignor their statement. This is easy if you have already decided it doesn't matter to you to lose or win. In fact, you can even respond to the nastiest statement, "I'm glad you were right." That will "take the game away."

CLASSIFIEDS

IN THE NEWS

CONTRARY, MISSOURI (again)

The District Attorney's office is looking into a strange situation that came up last Thursday. It seems the grown children of a Contrary citizen called 911 immediately after arriving here from Ohio to visit. EMTs rushed Elmo Zottlebanger to the E.R. at St. Peter's Hospital.

Allegedly, Mr. Zottlebanger had sewn his own mouth shut three weeks ago. Detectives say all fingerprints from around his mouth were his own, but the D.A. is still not convinced. (Something happened eariler. Did you read about it last month?)

Elmo was suffering from malnutrition, having only drunk and fed through a straw for so long. Head Nurse Elsie Singer (get it?) said the sewing job did not look like the work of a professional (i.e., woman). That is why Elmo's wife Alberta has not been charged and thrown in the clinker yet.

After five days of intravenous feeding, Elmo was able to talk to this here reporter. He confessed that after his wife had stranded him for 3 days on the roof of his house (see July issue - remember now?), he decided to be less argumentative. He was making considerable progress at not winning arguments and not acting like he knew everything until he and Alberta argued about the best way to skin a cat (guess there's NOT just one way!).

So, in order to keep Alberta and her false teeth from running off with the toothless man down the street, Elmo decided to sew his lips closed. That way, he says, he could keep from arguing and being right all the time.

Since Elmo did not have health insurance or a stingy managed care HMO to deny him service, you and I will foot the bill for his hospital stay of five days. The county is considering suing the culprit (Dick Wulf) who insisted that Elmo and others stop winning arguments with their spouses and partners. However, Wulf is reported to not have the assets to cover the five days of hospital care which amounts to more money than you've seen in your entire lifetime.

Elmo asked hospital staff to surgically remove his tongue, but the health care plan he doesn't have denied the procedure for lack of positive research on effectiveness. Instead, the court has ordered Elmo to undergo shock treatments. He has appealed this decision, claiming that Wulf's advice to stop winning arguments was shock enough.