Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Whining and Moaning Issue
© September 2000, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Life is too short to waste time continually criticizing, complaining and getting after people. Give it a break, already!

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

COMPLAINING, CHEWING OUT AND OTHER INEFFECTIVE INTERPERSONAL INTERACTIONS

So, what's the point of this month's nonsense?

Well, it's that it is a complete waste of time to get after, criticize or complain. Rather than use volume or "holier than thou" behavior, why not use that head God gave you? Oh sure, most of us were raised by parents who chewed us out. And they might have complained a lot. Sometimes they were negatively critical. And, you know what? It worked for them (or did it? Well, it scared us), so we think that it will work for us. (Silly us!)

Admit it! The meaner our parents got the less we heard what they were trying to teach us. (Yet, I hope that you had parents who weren't mean and nasty ever), Treat a wife, husband, or child harshly or condescendingly and then go to Cripple Creek and bet that you did not get your point across adequately. You will win some money, but you sure won't solve many family problems that day.

So, why doesn't getting after, criticizing and complaining work? Because it is not in the basic human-head software to enjoy being treated like that. Surprised? Not much? Of course! You don't like to be treated that way either?

I know the excuse. "I just got so frustrated, I had to become dysfunctional. Why, I just couldn't be silent and take time to think! The other person might win!" (See first issue of this screwy newsletter.)

Silence still is a great alternative to making things worse. Surprise! Surprise!

Do you know what to do when you are angry or frustrated or hurt? Once, I didn't either. But, 35 years of marriage, 31 years of parenting, and 35 years of professional counseling experience have given me a "clue". So, let me try to suggest a few things that just might work better than volume and general nastiness.

Here's the suggested game plan:

Step One: Do not react to the other person. Respond only after understanding what is really going on, rather than just what you think is going on.

Step Two: Try to understand by asking many questions.

Step Three: Check your understanding with the other person until he or she agrees that you have a basic understanding.

Step Four: Ask the other person to reciprocate and work at understanding your point of view.

Step Five: Check to make sure that the other person understands both his or her view and yours also.

Step Six: Try to solve problems rather than get after, complain or criticize.

First, DO NOT REACT TO THE OTHER PERSON automatically. You can then think before responding. This is very important.

Second, remember that whatever your spouse or child did makes some sense to them. There was a reason for whatever got your attention like a ton of bricks. And that reason may have even been a disgusting one. But, don't automatically assume that the behavior or words were primarily designed to be easily dealt with by your own criticism or complaining. In fact, often your spouse or child wants you to chew them out. That way they do not have to work on their behavior or think about what they did. You will do all of their thinking for them. The way you talk to them gives them an excuse to not listen to you.

Try to understand the other person's behavior. Before you make up your mind about anything. Until you understand what on earth was going on in their heads, don't decide that they wanted to hurt you or screw up. So, TRY TO UNDERSTAND BY ASKING QUESTIONS. Try asking at least a few questions, before you even think you understand what you are dealing with.

Put your own agenda aside when you are asking questions so that you can understand the other person. Otherwise, you won't hear what is meant by what is being said. You can get to your agenda later, after you understand the other person's agenda and point of view. Fat chance that you will forget your agenda! So forget it for a while and try to understand the other person.

Great negotiators know well that it is just as important, probably more important, to understand the other side's agenda. But, some people think that to understand means to agree. Technically, if you don't understand the other view, you cannot disagree with it. So, be smarter than the Village Idiot and take time to understand.

And check out your understanding. Just because you think you understand does not mean that you do. If you really understand, you should be able to relate your understanding in words to the other person and get his or her agreement that you understand.

Once the other person is satisfied that you understand, at least fairly well, it is time to request him or her to try to understand your position. But only to understand you, not to agree with you. You want to eventually solve the problem. If you want a debate, go back to high school and join the team.

Do not even be thinking that once the other person understands your position he or she will agree with you! If you did not agree with the other person during your process of understanding, why would he or she agree with you? Try to imagine that once both sides are well communicated, both positions might still be right - each from its own perspective.

Once the other person can relate to you his or her understanding of your viewpoint to your general satisfaction, start trying to find a solution with no one losing and no one winning. (See previous issues of this newsletter.) A proper solution should leave both people feeling good.

It is entirely possible that one of you, or both of you, will change positions slightly. Or if you are really lucky, your way will be chosen. But, as discussed in previous issues, try not to have your own way predominate over 50% of the time. In relationship, winning really is losing!

Often when both positions are understood, a solution that meets both people's needs is easily discovered.

Often the two positions represent two very different needs. In a way, this can make it easier. Once both positions are clarified, two separate problems emerge, both with solutions that are usually not in conflict with one another.

For example, let's imagine you and your family are cruising out on the big asphalt river system we call The Interstates. The kids are fighting and yelling. Eventually, everyone's yelling. Nobody's having fun anymore.

But, okay, you try what we have been talking about. You try to understand what your kids are saying by their behavior. And, the moment you stop to think, you realize that you have been driving for a long time and the kids are very restless. Then you think about your point of view. You want it quiet to better concentrate on your driving.

Hey, two problems! Both legitimate. How about that? Simple. Stop the car and have the kids run around. Then have the peacefulness you need to be safe.

Or, here's another example. You come home and find that your kids haven't even thought about the chores that were supposed to be done an hour ago. A volcano of anger is rising to your vocal cords, when you screech to a sudden halt to stay a little ahead of the Village Idiot. You stop to think and try to understand your kids' behavior. You stifle your conviction that they are just plain lazy. It's probably true, but, what if, just this time, it is not?

So, risking that your kids might have heart attacks when you try this new approach, you calmly (and it's the calm that really gets them!) sit on their beds and ask each one gently (and without a gun in your hand), "Why didn't you do your chores?"

Can you see how criticizing, chewing out or complaining wouldn't make them half as trapped by their own behavior and choices as this calm-but-firm approach? Instead of responding to your behavior, they each have to answer for their own behavior. Ah, the wonderful value of simple questions!

Lo and behold, they give you excuses that would only make sense to another kid who hated to do chores and would rather just do whatever he or she wanted to do. Sitting on your hands, biting your lip, and closing your eyes to hide your annoyance at yet another amateur excuse, and trying not to let out the biggest belly-laugh in years because of the unbelievably poor try at squeezing out of a tight situation, you let a little silence go by for the anxiety-provoking effect. (This will wake them up to the fact that this time they are going to be accountable.)

Then you ask another of any number of possible questions. "Does that excuse really make sense to you?" "What sense does it make?" -- "Why did the need of the family for chores to be done become less important than what you wanted to do?" -- "Can you think of any way you could have gotten the chores done on time?" -- "Is the real explanation that you just don't like to do chores?" "Why is not liking to do them a reason for not doing them?" "Do you think that the rest of us like to do the things we have to do to contribute to the family?" "Why do you think the rest of us do our chores?" "Could it be that we do our chores because we appreciate that we have a family, love the others in the family, and want to do our part?" "Why don't you want to do your part?" -- "Do you remember what the consequence is for not doing your chores on time without a better reason than you just gave?" Or, if consequences have not been spelled out beforehand, "What do you think should be the consequence for not doing your chores on time? Remember that the consequence must be something that will help you get your chores done on time in the future."

Note that the is to understand how your child is thinking in order to help find a lasting solution.

After you have heard a child out, ask him or her if he or she will hear your position, pointing out that such is only fair. Then explain that when you get home, you are tired and need to get to your own chores. Explain how it is easier to do that if others have done their chores and you do not feel taken advantage of. (Of course, your explanation might be different than this example.)

Asking questions has another great value. It gets the other thinking thoughts he or she should be thinking about.

Unfortunately, I can't teach you everything in a newsletter. So, I hope this will help some. Let me know if you need an appointment for further clarification and application to your particular situations.

CLASSIFIEDS

ENDLESS LOOP AUDIO CASSETTES for constant haranguing. We load the tape. Can be tailored to the length of your list of complaints. We also carry tape recorders disguised as household objects to foil attempts to turn off your useless diatribe. Write us now at P.O. Box 66666.

THE ART OF COMPLAINING AND OTHER FRUITLESS PASTIMES, the premier book of the NAS-IPT (National Association for Stress-Induced Personal Tortures). Lessons on complaining guaranteed to make both complainer and listener absolutely miserable. If you want this book, might as well send us your personal fortune. You won't miss it. You don't have the sense you were born with. Phone 599-hah!

GET-A-LIFE PILLS for those who really enjoy getting after people, belly-aching, whining complaining, and criticizing. Come on -- get smart!

IN THE NEWS

CONTRARY, MISSOURI (What is it with this town, anyway?)

Well, the Third Annual Domestic Yelling and Screaming Contests at the County Fair here are over. Winners, whose names go down for all eternity as The Least Effective Communicators are listed on page 7.

It seems everyone packed the race grounds for the Tantrum Screaming and Fit-Throwing Contests. First Place in the Loudness category went to the 2-year-olds. The Most Creative Kicking While Screaming trophy went to the 4-year-olds.

But the finale was The Suckered Parent Tantrum Rescue wherein 53 parents sat on lounge chairs some 20 yards away from a playpen holding the screaming winners of each age group. At the signal, tantrum screaming began in full fury and the test was on. Which parent would give in first and run to the playpen and give the children whatever they demanded? Even though the crowd chanted, "No, no! Don't go!", the screaming was just too much and some of the parents raced to do what so many parents have done over the centuries -- give in . . . again and again and . . . again.

There were two yelling events, husband against wife and parent against teen. The spit was really flying!

The contests ended with the Marital Last Word Contest wherein a hundred foolish people gave the last word way more value than it could ever have in a thousand years.

The Belly-Aching and Complaining Contest was won by Alberta Zottlebanger whose husband Elmo has made news in previous issues. She out-whined everybody for 2 straight days, 6 hours and 43 minutes when she collapsed in sleep. The nearest contestant had already conked out 14 hours and 27 minutes earlier. When she awoke, Zottlebanger exclaimed that she hadn't had such a good tirade in over a month! Throughout the ordeal, her husband Elmo played poker with his friends on the sidelines and hardly heard a word.

Yes sir! Family Dysfunction Day at the Fair was a huge success!

IN THE NEWS

CONTRARY, MISSOURI (What is it with this town, anyway?)

Well, the Third Annual Domestic Yelling and Screaming Contests at the County Fair here are over. Winners, whose names go down for all eternity as The Least Effective Communicators are listed on page 7.

It seems everyone packed the race grounds for the Tantrum Screaming and Fit-Throwing Contests. First Place in the Loudness category went to the 2-year-olds. The Most Creative Kicking While Screaming trophy went to the 4-year-olds.

But the finale was The Suckered Parent Tantrum Rescue wherein 53 parents sat on lounge chairs some 20 yards away from a playpen holding the screaming winners of each age group. At the signal, tantrum screaming began in full fury and the test was on. Which parent would give in first and run to the playpen and give the children whatever they demanded? Even though the crowd chanted, "No, no! Don't go!", the screaming was just too much and some of the parents raced to do what so many parents have done over the centuries -- give in . . . again and again and . . . again.

There were two yelling events, husband against wife and parent against teen. The spit was really flying!

The contests ended with the Marital Last Word Contest wherein a hundred foolish people gave the last word way more value than it could ever have in a thousand years.

The Belly-Aching and Complaining Contest was won by Alberta Zottlebanger whose husband Elmo has made news in previous issues. She out-whined everybody for 2 straight days, 6 hours and 43 minutes when she collapsed in sleep. The nearest contestant had already conked out 14 hours and 27 minutes earlier. When she awoke, Zottlebanger exclaimed that she hadn't had such a good tirade in over a month! Throughout the ordeal, her husband Elmo played poker with his friends on the sidelines and hardly heard a word.

Yes sir! Family Dysfunction Day at the Fair was a huge success!