Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Meaningless Chatter Issue
© October 2000, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Go ahead. Waste some time with that special person of yours!
Hey, ya talk, then ya die.                Relationship is everything.

SHOWING YOU LIKE ONE ANOTHER BY VISITING AND KILLING TIME TOGETHER

How do we really show our spouse and special friends that they are valuable and that we look forward to just being with them? (Good thing this is not a question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?)

Let's face it! It isn't easy coming home 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year, year after year, beaming with facial delight when we first see our beloved. I mean, it tuckers you out – all that beaming. So, forgetaboutit already. Not every day can we look like we just stepped out of a real estate television commercial. Maybe once in a while. But not every day. Please!

Instead, we can think about our partner during the day, searching for interesting and fun things to mention when we get back into her or his presence after a busy day. Many of us have to write those things down, for we have the short-term memory of a senior nursing home resident. No sweat. We are big girls and boys. We can write it down. No sweat. Bring on another idea. We're up for it.

Being in a relationship where you are not sure the other person likes being around you is awfully lonely. Actually, it's the pits!

And guess what? It's not a relationship. A relationship has, well a relationship. Better to call the "nothing's-really-happening-between-us-situation" an arrangement. You have an arrangement to share expenses and the toilet paper, to raise the kids and maybe a dog or two, to fight for space in the bed, to trade smiles and chores, etc. But, those things are not relationship. Relationship requires truly being with one another and connecting.

As they say, "If you put nuts and bolts in the garage, you don't get a car!" (Or something like that.) Instead of calling your partnership a relationship and hoping that it will become one, why not try making a relationship?

Suppose building true relationship is like baking a cake. You know. Add the flour.

Well, the flour is like what is listed above under "arrangement". It's necessary, but pretty much tasteless alone. Now to bake a really mouth-watering relationship you have to add some time spent with each other just because you like being with each other. (For those of you saying, "Fat chance!", I have a few tongue-in-cheek things to say about that too. Wait until the next newsletter. Hold your horses, all right!) Just killing time together is important because clearly the main attraction is the other person.

Now there are ways to kill time together, and there are ways to kill time together. Know what I mean? Small talk adds the strongest flavor to the relationship cake. That's because no good can be expected to come out of it. However, it only appears to be a total waste of time. Precisely because it is for no obvious purpose, it is done only because of the enjoyment of being in one another's presence.

Now, be honest. Many of us, and I might be one of the very worst, many of us do hang in there while our spouse is rattling off meaningless nonsense or uninteresting stuff. But, we are looking around the room to spot spiders and cobwebs. We are listening, but at minimum volume because we want to think about more important stuff. Some of you (not me!) are probably talking to yourself inside or singing a silent song. (I, myself, prefer the spider hunt.) We are really blowing it with our spouses. Some won't tell us about important stuff (lightning shattered the toilet seat, mice in the basement are organizing a union for collective bargaining, etc.) because they think we are not interested in listening to them across the board. It seems, to them, that the small talk creates the safety for the critical talk. Small talk is the feeder road that you use to get onto the Interstate.

But, you know what? While our spouses are thinking that we really don't like being with them, that's not the case at all. It is more like we are chitter-chatter challenged. Some of us just don't do it very well. And a few of us can even admit it .

Isn't it a dirty rotten shame that our spouses are taking it all wrong?

Or are they?

Probably not. Because we probably have just not learned how to be interested in them. (Next month I will address it some quirky way how to find our spouses interesting, even those who have never been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize or an Academy Award. Look for it!) So, they are actually right on about us not being interested in being with them. But, aren't we good at squeezing out of the horror of horrors admitting and dealing with our faults? ("That's just not true. You know I enjoy being with you when we're in Cripple Creek gambling or doing that other thing - you know <blush, blush>")

And we think that they buy our smoke screen, hook, line and sinker. (Now how's that for a really bad job of mixing up the old metaphors?) When actually, they are thinking how incredibly stupid we are. (Oops! They're not really doing that, are they? Yep.)

Now, there are other ways to hang out with our spouse, that, while not being as clear a sign of our enjoyment of them, still gets most of the job done. These other methods won't be as effective as listening to our spouse rattle on about whatever he or she finds interesting or noteworthy. And they won't be as effective as rattling about our own interesting mish mash. But, still the joy of being together will likely outweigh the gain of the activity itself.

Sitting and watching cows . . . .

Better start over. Walking and talking, where visiting is the major event, not the tongue-hanging-out, rapid-heart -beat thing. And then you can play a game of cards or something else that has little value in winning. Folding laundry and visiting is good. Seriously. Anything you can do without thinking so you can visit makes the grade. Going for a drive in the country can win points, especially if you both work at finding interesting things and pointing them out.

Watching television or going to a movie, while good things to do in the way of your "arrangement", do not contribute much to the relationship. Discussions afterward can qualify, however, if you do what I will be suggesting in the next issue. Just watching t.v. does not draw you closer, but it can be close if you sit by each other's side affectionately. Otherwise, what you get is entertainment, not the enjoyment of knowing that the other person likes you and wants to be with you. It might mean that, but it doesn't communicate it clearly. We merely tell them when we do enjoy being with them. Visiting or pleasantly spending time with one another gets the job done because you are either not getting anything done or whatever you are getting done is not such a big thing as to detract from the specialness of being together.

So, try spending some really meaningful meaningless time together. Show you care. And giggle a little.

HUNTING SEASON EXTENDED FOR PURPOSE-DRIVEN-ONLY SPOUSES

The Official Board for Hunting People Who Don't Carry Their Weight in Marriage has determined that there are far too many husbands and wives who don't value Just Plain Visiting. "They should be shot!" exclaimed Berta Wordsmith, Executive Director.

Seems that the number of people who don't know the real value of just killing time with their husband or wife is growing and must be thinned out. The number of people who only know how to talk business seem to be the reason that more and more people are coming into the nation's Loneliness Centers.

Even though most Loneliness Centers are now located next to Humane Societies, loneliness patients still say, "There's just a hollowness that a dog or cat or even a marauding raccoon cannot satisfy. We need people who think we're important and cherished."

The ACLU (Association of Creators of Lonely Urbanites) has filed a motion with the Court to stop the granting of hunting licenses. The ACLU holds that it is not so immediately obvious that visiting and talking about meaningless things is all that valuable. The ACLU acknowledges research that shows such time-killing indulgences to be, in fact, very valuable. However, it is their contention that people who would be shot do not understand that value.

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dim-Witted Spouses has joined with the ACLU to ask that first-time offenders be removed from the hunting tags given out this time of year. Instead, the SPCDWS suggests these hapless creatures be subjected to Relationship-Building Training wherein they learn the value of spousal visiting, such as mentioning that the warm butter is slithering along the table.

Now, repeat offenders are another story, say officials at the SPCDWS. Advocating that they should not be shot yet, the suggestion has been made that they be sentenced to watch two soap operas and listen to Rush Limbaugh daily for two weeks. Then, if they don't kill themselves as a result, they should be more than ready to just sit back, put their feet up, and spend some of their valuable time chewing the rag with one of their favorite people. (Hopefully, this is the wife or husband. Not the pet goldfish. Maybe the dog.)

The SPCDWS is just fine and dandy with issuing hunting licenses for those who are unfazed by As the Stomach Turns and Limbaugh. "These are the hopeless ones who haven't a clue." states Martin Duh, Director.

"But hunting them might not be so hard," says Wordsmith, "they're easy to spot. They have nothing to say. To track them, just spot a down-in-the-mouth, sad woman or man with a wedding ring on. Follow them home, and hide in the bushes. If you don't hear anything for an hour. . . BINGO! There's a neglectful, silent one in there that needs to be popped."

The stealthy hunter needs to remember that once he spots the hunted, the prey might not appear to be distant and uncaring. He or she might engage the hunter in meaningful communication. Even though the victim has shriveled ears from listening to talk shows during training, he or she might just sound pretty normal and attentive maybe even as good as the hunter's own wife or husband. But, rest assured, the right prey will not VISIT. Nope. No meaningless chatter will be uttered. No relaxed small talk. Just stress-building, uptight serious talk.

And that is good really, really good. Because if, while you are pointing the gun down his or her throat, the target did just visit, you might grow to be fond of the prey. And that makes it really hard to rub them out.

How does it work, that the hunter is drawn to like the prey by its chitter-chatter? Local yokel therapist Dick Wulf says, "It's simple, dear Watson. Just visiting shows that you really like a person and just want to spend time with and be near that person. Nothing is received back from visiting. Therefore, it must be happening because the one talked to is desirable as a person."

Wulf continued to answer this reporter's questions by explaining, "If you only talk business and serious stuff with someone, they think you are doing it to get something done. It would not be so obvious that the person's company is desired. Imagine that you had an assignment to spend an hour in idle chat with one of your friends. (It could not be a spouse.) Who would you choose? Most people would choose the friend to whom he or she felt closest. So, it's rather obvious that chit-chat and just-being-together visiting is a sign of closeness and is a subtle complement. Every husband and wife would like to be the one that his or her spouse chatted with if they understood the tremendous meaning and value of meaningless chatter.

So there!"

So there? (Strange guy, that Wulf.)

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TIME KILLERS at reasonable prices. .38 caliber, with spotting scope for viewing time schedules, planners, and palm pilots. These are underground market items. Meet me down there and we'll DEAL.

AUDIOTAPE SERIES: How to Spend a Little Time Not Getting Anything Done
Send your money after you've taken out the garbage. Send it to me. Lots of it.

CHATTER BOXES Come with cordless, invisible earphones. Put one in your pocket and let it secretly tell you meaningless things to talk about. Make that love of yours feel special! For the chatter-challenged. (Busybodies will not be served.)