Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Buried Treasure Issue
© November 2000, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Search still goes on for the Inner Child. Well, here we (me, myself & I) bring you The Treasure Within.

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

BASIC TREASURE HUNTING
for marriage or friendship

Within your partner's hidden caves of thoughts and feelings there's fascinating stuff! Can you handle it? Most people don't have the courage to go looking for this buried treasure. They're scared. "Why," they think, "life just won't be safe if I find out that my husband or wife thinks or feels different than me."

Just why is it that we do not find our differences incredibly interesting?

The enemy that gets in the way of being incredibly fascinated with your spouse or partner or friend is comfort . Bah! Humbug!

So you both cut up the canned dog food in different size pieces for your best hairy friend. (Next best friend if you are really, really hairy. No, don't confess it to me – I don't care.) Why on earth would you NOT want to find out the thinking that goes behind the size of those pieces of dog chow? You don't know if the reasoning will explain other things you have wondered about ever since your mother-in-law stopped up the toilet. And, if it doesn't explain a thing, real pirates don't stop digging for treasure if the first hole doesn't yield valuable yellow stuff.

Ah, but admit it! You are threatened and uncomfortable with the reason he or she cuts up the dog food in those different-sized pieces. You are afraid that her or his reason will mean — oh, God forbid me here — that you are WRONG. Oh, the pieces of your ego will be scattered all over your gold-trimmed pool table.

Oh, give me a break! Stuff that ego. It's not been that good of a friend anyway. If you are threatened by differences over everything, then you got one of those Ford/Firestone egos. It needs to be recalled. Call 1-800-GOT-BRAINS? Demand they give you one of those healthier, new-fangled egos that is not frazzled by significant differences of opinion.

I once had one of those defective egos. Got it from Mom and Dad. They always fought over differences of opinion and were threatened by people who saw things differently than them. Yep. I took it back. I think it was Wal-Mart. No, Wal-Mart didn't exist way back then. Maybe it was Duckwalls. (What? You don't remember Duckwalls? The Five and Dime? Well they went out of business about the time I gave ‘em my old ego – the one with the thin skin.) First I tried to sell that bugger. But it seemed lots of people had defective, easily-upset egos. They didn't know theirs was defective, but they didn't want another one.

Anyway, that old ego used to argue about the dumbest things with my poor wife Jean. (Oh boy. This is embarrassing.) That stupid ego told me that she should see things the way I see them. It made me disgusted with her when I did not understand why she did what she did. It was an intolerable intolerable ego. (Get it?)

Anyways, I got me a better ego. I'm about ready to turn this one in for an even better ego. Just need to be a little more humble, and I'll be able to do it.

With a respectable ego, one that can better enjoy life and not get so upset with other people's uniqueness, we can all go looking for buried treasure inside of other people. You know, find the good stuff, the interesting stuff, the different ways of seeing things and the different ways of liking things.

So, here's a quick course in searching for treasure in your spouse, partner, friends and (gasp) even in-laws.

You need an empty sack, or at least a sack with some room in it, to put the treasure in. For most of us this is an open mind, for starters. For those of you with a closed mind. . . try to find a Duckwalls. They had a small hardware section. Tell them you got your mind near the shelf with the loose screws. Get yourself an open mind, maybe with a little tolerance thrown in and a whole lot of fascination. Fascination is good. (If you can't find a Duckwalls, try True Value Hardware.)

Now you find jewels in other people by talking. This kind of talking is called dialogue, and it is meant to be used only for finding out about the other person. To do dialogue right, you need to be curious. That's all. No needing to be right. No needing to talk about yourself. (That would be like a pirate running home to dig for treasure on his own property which he has been over and over for years and years.)

Dialogue is just asking, "Why" after you ask a "what" or "how" or "why" question.

You are driving down I-25 and you see a billboard. You ask, "What do you think about that billboard?" (No, what YOU think about the billboard is not important – not yet. Maybe never. You are looking for hidden treasure, not showing off your own buried loot.)

Your partner answers that she thinks the billboard is pretty stupid (aren't they all?). You don't know anything yet. Treasure isn't that easy to find! (Are you going to be a real pirate? Or just an MLM, get rich quick type pirate? Good, a real one. With or without a patch over your eye? Whoops. Got carried away. Sorry.)

You ask the magic question – "Why?"

Repeat for all of you already asleep or with one of those defective Ford Explorer brains: You ask the magic question – "Why?"

She answers that it is an insult to her intelligence. (Now, this looks promising – it could be treasure.)

Got a good brain? Good. What do you ask next? (Hint: what is the magic question?)

Hey, great. "Why is it an insult to your intelligence?"

Good question! Hey, you must be a person who is really interested in other people.

The answer you get is, "It treats people like they don't know how to think."

Okay, we need to have a little side conversation here. Just like a miner who has to analyze the quality of gold he has stuffed in his pockets, you have to do a little analysis of your own when getting raw treasure like this last answer. Is she saying that she sees herself as smart? Smarter than most people? That she wants to be ever smarter and smarter? That she greatly objects to being seen or treated as intellectually stupid or inferior?

And, isn't that what you would like to know about your wife, husband, partner, or friend? That he or she is interested in being discriminating?

Sure you want to know stuff like that. It is treasure. It is interesting about her or him. It is who she or he is. And because of it, she or he is a bit more interesting. And a bit more understandable.

As treasure, it is valuable. In this case, it is more "useful" treasure than "fascinating" treasure. Other answers might be the reverse, or both useful AND fascinating. But this answer gives you a hint about how to say things. For example, not to try to sneak in a manipulation (she'll see right through it, not to mention that it is not the right thing to do), not to speak down to her (other reason: it's also not such good idea), to treat her as smart and speak to her intelligence, etc.

Now, here's an example of fascinating treasure. This incredible thing happened one fine sunny, Summer evening in our back yard. Jean and I were sitting on the lawn. I was writing something. She was just sitting there, not doing a dog-goned thing. Inside, the old Duckwall's ego from the past said to myself, "WHAT is she doing?" and the tone was not complimentary. But, the new ego, the one that can be curious rather than judgmental, asked Jean gently and with no negative motive whatsoever (thank God), "What are you doing?"

And Jean answered, "Feeling the wind against my face."

I had treasure! (My pirate's wooden leg and blind eye under the patch quivered with excitement.) There was a slight breeze. I hadn't even noticed. But, if I had, I would never have thought of focusing on feeling it against my face. A great idea. Although, not really my thing, I tried it for a minute or two. It was a wonderful minute on another planet. It was refreshing. But, it wasn't me, so I resumed my writing. However, the bigger thrill was getting just a little into the skin of the one I had committed my life to until death do us part. It was nice. I felt closer to her.

Now, if you are thinking this is kind of queer. I understand. I had one of those defective egos once. And, if it is your brain that needs expanding, have you thought of a Mind Expander? (See Classifieds.) Or a lobotomy? Those are fun.

Want to make a game out of it – to see how good you can get at this? Here's a scoring system. Every time you ask a "why" type of question, give yourself points. The first question (What do you think of that billboard? How did you feel about Aunt Florence's statement about your dad?) scores 4 points. Then, for each "why" type of question, double your score like this: 4 > 8 > 16 > 32 > 64 > 128 and so on, doubling it each time you successfully ask yet one more question on-topic.

Stay on the subject. That's what I mean by staying on-topic. Asking about other billboards or billboards in general is changing the subject and takes you somewhat away from finding out about the hidden treasure of the other person. The first question is just breaking the ground with your trusty pirate's shovel. Further questions should mine fascinating stuff.

I'm sorry this is so brief. But pirates rarely show you the whole map.

CLASSIFIED ADS

EGO BOOSTERS Two for the price of one because it works not only on you, but also your partner. Get a bottle and take the recommended dosage. Those who do not have to be right and/or do not think that their own way is so special that the partner's way is inferior: Only one tablet a day. Those who think that their partner's way of thinking, feeling and doing things must become like their way of thinking, feeling and doing things: You will need three tablets a day. Those who criticize their partner's ways: take two tablets three times a day. Those who get loud and occasionally physical: the lethal overdose is two bottles. But you might want to first consider BRAIN FOOD (see below). Unlimited MLM opportunity. The world is full of narcissistic, judgmental folks. Call Gus now.

MIND EXPANDERS for the relatively close-minded. Elaborate pulley system attaches easily to garage door, ears and car front bumper. Determine car speed proportionately to narrowness of thinking. AAA approved. UL listed. Need another for your in-laws?

BRAIN FOOD for the totally self-centered. Mixes instantly in toilet bowl. Swim cap included.

IN THE NEWS

CONTRARY, MISSOURI

Elmo's done it again.

Elmo Zottlebanger won both the Dimwit Blue Ribbon and the Most Superficial Trophy during the Spouse Appreciation Rally held in the Town Hall.

When asked by the judges what Elmo really appreciates about his wife Alberta, he was dumbfounded in thought for a full 25 minutes, 17 seconds and 4 moments. Then he uttered, "She makes me a good liver and onions sandwich."

Alberta, standing on the sidelines of this famous marriage enrichment experience, told this reporter that she was really hurt because she wanted to be known by her "better half" (???!!) for her interest in communicating with worms.

Fortunately for Alberta, there is not an award for The Least Treasure Within. Other notable losing answers from husbands and wives included such things as the following.

"Well, I really like to watch those tight ends on football, and he does have a nice behind."

"She's not much of a cook, but I think maybe she's a good mother to my four, no, five, children."

"She's pretty! That's all that counts to me." (What a loser! Can you believe it?)