Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The How to Be a Royal Pain in the Butt Issue
© January 2001, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Don't just sit there and look smart when you can look really, really stupid! Be defensive. Act like you know everything.

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

HOW TO BE A REAALY GOOD LAUGHING STOCK FOR YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS — AND STILL SPOIL THEIR HAPPINESS BY REACHING YOUR PERSONAL BEST AS A PAIN IN THE BUTT

Why be the father or mother or husband or wife who is bragged about when you can be the one they complain about and consider a complete idiot? Go for it, dude or dudess. Put these things into practice and you will be the silliest looking clown in your family and circle of friends.

Oh, and I might add that by these obnoxious behaviors, you can cut your earnings at least $500,000 in a lifetime. But that's a small price to pay for the fantastic comfort you get from feeling right all the time and not having to learn anything that might require personal change. Get on this early, and, who knows, you might be able to lose a cool million.

For those of you who are fully determined to be a royal pain in the butt, here is a summary of what will be taught below, since you are likely not the type that likes to read the instructions.

You can be a very successful pain in the butt if you . . .

. . . think and talk like you know everything and are never wrong.

. . . think and talk like the other person is always wrong when he or she disagrees.

. . . don't ever look for the reasonable point of view of others.

. . . treat life like it is "all about you".

With so many ways to be a complete thorn in everyone's side, there just is no excuse for not finding a method that suits your disagreeable and selfish inner self. Let that nasty little inner self out. Terrorize the world before you are pinned in a corner and must admit someone else is right and then have to care about the needs of others.

METHOD 1: ACT LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND ARE NEVER WRONG

Hey, this is a terrific way to drive off all of your friends as well as the spouse and kids. Why face your own insecurities by admitting that you don't know everything? Why, only healthy people would be so stupid! Anyway, you do know everything, carefully twisted to make sure you get what you want, of course. And what do you want more than anything else in the world? Right! To be right. Not occasionally right. Always right!

Never ever listen to those who would point out that we humans only use a small part of our brain's capacity, like ten percent. If you ever listen to them, they will tell you that the other 90% brain capacity is waiting for what we don't know. Pure propaganda for telling those of you who want to be ignorantly arrogant that you really don't know everything.

Anyway, who counts but you? Since you want your way and want to always look like a person who wrote the encyclopedia, you don't ever want to admit that you haven't considered all angles of an issue. No, you need to know that after considering all the facts and angles and human needs -- you remarkably discover that everything works out to support your own set of needs and the way you think about the world.

Do you think that it will be hard to implement this "know-it-all" method? Nope, you have all that stored-up insecurity to help. Your need to feel like you are without serious error probably comes from your stupid subconscious that tells you that you are not good enough. So, you must feel on top and superior to go on with life. So, don't worry, your insecurity will help you succeed.

Go ahead and be always right. Don't let it bother you that your spouse will want to leave you and your children won't want to be around you. You need more time for yourself and your selfish needs anyway. And, who needs friends at work?

METHOD 2: ACT LIKE OTHERS ARE ALWAYS WRONG ON ANYTHING IMPORTANT

One thing that you never want to let get out of hand, is that others in your life ever feel like their own needs are as important as yours. Or that they have a right to be heard. Never, ever let them be right.

To the extent that you can make these dear ones feel stupid, you can avoid having to deal with their firm insistence that you consider their views, their needs, and their otherwise convincing words. Smart people who want to act stupid, will do well to remember these choice statements that can undermine the confidence of loved ones they want to control for their own needs:

"I can't believe you just said that." "Do you really belief that?!" (Note, do not wait for an answer. You are not asking a question.) "I don't see it that way." (Meaning, of course, that your way is the only King James authorized way to see it.) "Yes, but you didn't think of (this) and (this) and . . . ." (Be certain to bring up enough items to render whatever he or she said as forgotten or not very important. This is a good tactic. In time, the other person will loathe you; maybe even hate you.) "You've got to be kidding." And you've got plenty more of your own ways to discount what the other person is saying, don't you, you sly, selfish one?

METHOD 3: NEVER LOOK FOR THE REASON IN ANOTHER'S POINT OF VIEW

By all means, don't ever admit that another person might have a point in what he or she is saying. Don't you know? . . . . . THAT COULD LEAD TO YOUR NOT GETTING YOUR OWN WAY!

Never relate to another's point of view or acknowledge that they have needs that do not fit in with yours. That would validate them and make them feel as important as you. You can't have that, can you?

METHOD 4: ACT LIKE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO COUNTS

Hey! Who else would possibly count more than you?

Actually, you know that other people have needs - better than they do! The beauty of your knowing others' needs best is that you can discount whatever or however they define their needs. You don't want their needs at all getting in the way of YOUR needs.

_____________________________________________

Have another method I did not list? Submit it to www.dudsRus.net. Quick. Somebody like you who is relationship-challenged might need it tonight. They might still have a little love left in their relationships. They hate closeness and need your ideas desperately.

Try to figure out WHY you always need to be right. Did your parents expect you to always know how to do whatever you were told to do? Did they criticize you a lot? Did you have to convince them you were right to keep from being beaten?

Or, just as bad, did your parents rave about everything you did or said as most wonderful?

If the first is true, this can be a great day for you. You no longer need to live by your parents' unrealistic expectations. Hooray! Breathe easy for a change. Step One, tell everyone that you don't know how to do everything. Step Two, remind people who expect you to do everything, that you no longer try to know everything and how to do everything. Step Three, do what you know how to do and don't act like you know how to do whatever you don't. Step Four, don't be afraid to ask how to do things. Step Five, practice finding out more than you know by asking plenty of questions.

If the second is true, that your parents treated you like you were far more wonderful than you were, today is also a good day. You can stop right now continuing to think so highly of yourself. Enjoy the freedom of not having to expect so much of yourself.

Relax and ask questions. Be humble. Since you no longer have to know everything, find out what others know.

Realize that other people have needs as legitimate as yours. Discounting what others say and your thoughts that you are right is often because you want your needs met. Unknowingly, you set up a power struggle over whose needs are going to be met. But, just because you really, really want your way does not mean that what others want is wrong. In many cases, both needs can be met.

Realize that other people know a lot that you do not know. Other people know as much about life as you do. Don't discount or ignore what other people have to say. It is important to learn from them.

See that other people feel good about themselves and help them get their needs met. Those other people around you as just as important as you are. The truth is that there is more happiness in seeing someone else's needs met than getting your own needs met all the time.

CLASSIFIEDS FOR PAIN-IN-THE-BUTT TYPES

COFFINS FOR RUINED RELATIONSHIPS    You ruined it; you bury it. In the end, it will cost you BIG.

BLANK BOOK in which to write your view-points. Small and inexpensive because it will only include what you know. Quantity prices so that you can lord it over all your loved ones with your strong opinions and inflexible positions. Personalized with your very own picture on the cover.

YOUR PERFECT RETIREMENT COMMUNITY   Get in on the ground floor of this new housing development for those who are always right. Low, low monthly payments; 100-year mortgages or longer. Call 1-800-666-HELL. You'll love it - living forever with your kind of people!

THE ECHO   New re-writable recording system technology. Amazing what it can do for you. You can hear yourself talk ad infinitum. Review all those wonderful, right-on thoughts often. Print them out so that all of your loved ones know the rules they have to live by. You can even change the voice so it sounds just like your spouse's voice. Actual proof he or she totally agrees with you.

MULTIFACETED MIRROR so you can see more of yourself. Hey, you've got all of the answers -- so you deserve to be full of yourself. Tax-exempt? Are you kidding? No, you're gonna pay!

BOOK: THINGS I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THINGS I CARE ABOUT   8 pages. Cheap. No cost to your fragile self-esteem.

BOOK: THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND CONCERNING PEOPLE   45 volumes. Over 12,000 pages. Cost: all of your pride and denial of some of your own critical needs for the critical needs of others. Benefit: a second chance with all those you think you can't do without.

CLASSIFIEDS FOR THOSE WHO MUST LIVE WITH PITBs

CRACKED POT   Send one today. As good as a mirror. Does not come with a guarantee that it will be understood by your PITB.

EGO SUPPORTERS  Similar to those other kind of supporters men wear below and women above. Give one to your favorite Pain-in-the-Butt. He or she needs all the help you can give.

SOUND BITE  Attaches to your belt or arm with velcro. With a simple arm or hip motion, you set off Bill Cosby saying, "Right! And how long can you tread water?" from his famous Noah's Ark routine. Every time your PITB says something with that self-righteous tone or makes one of those non-negotiable statements of truth, just set off Cos' sound bite. Long-lasting batteries. (You'll need them.)

CLASSIFIEDS FOR "RECOVERING" PAIN-IN-THE-BUTTS

HUMILITY PATCHES   Just like those nicotine thingies. Depending upon your attitude, effective for one to four weeks.

NEW, IMPROVED PARENTAL MESSAGES   TAPE ONE: Recording of a gentle 96-year-old great grandmother telling you that you do not need to be right all of the time to stay out of trouble with people.       TAPE TWO: Recording of a tough retired Army sergeant mother-type woman telling you that you are a weakling to want your way all of the time.

HUMILITY BOOSTERS   45-second digital recorder that captures your laugh and sends it back to you every 15 minutes. Helps you learn to laugh at yourself.

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