Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Personal Distance Issue
© December 2001, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Why have a close and personal relationship with your loved ones when you can be distant and lonely?

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

HOW TO KEEP ON AVOIDING CLOSENESS AND
CONTINUE TO SCREW UP YOU RELATIONSHIP(S)

Are you one who is scared to death of true closeness with your spouse and/or family members? Good. If you're not close to anyone, you will avoid a lot of hurt and disappointment. Never mind that you will also miss out on the most fantastic joy of life. But, hey, if you want to kid yourself into thinking that your close relationship with your computer or car or clothes closet is real closeness, who am I to argue with you?

Our society can help you avoid real relationships with those who greatly desire a better one with you. Yep. American society values efficiency and productivity - not people. Ask any sociologist you know. So, congratulations on being born in the good old USA. It is a wonderful country.

Little did you know that one of the benefits of our society would be values that prevent true closeness between husbands and wives and parents and children. Be thankful that our society tells us to value being extremely busy, making lots of money, buying lots of things, watching a kazillion sports, and complicating your life with many needless duties. (And don't listen to the author of this article, because he is just apt to tell you that you can have much more closeness without a lot more expenditure of time. That Wulf - he just doesn't want people to give up. Geeeeze!)

Efficiency and productivity. What great values! Why, imagine what your life would be like if you valued personal relationships - if you could really enjoy people. YOU WOULDN'T GET SO MUCH DONE! Horribilations! You might not have purchased such a large house with so much personal space and so much maintenance. So, unhappily, there would not be so much yard work and housecleaning to do. You would then have to spend more time with people, not knowing what to say to them, having to care about their troubles, etc. But, as said before, you don't want this greatest joy of life. So, forget about valuing personal relationships above all other things.

Recently in our country's history the concept of productivity has spread to recreation. We have to be productive even in enjoying activities. As if life wasn't difficult enough, what with having to make a living, now we have Hollywood and ten-thousand marketing executives breathing down our necks telling us that we have to enjoy the additional pressure of doing more and more things. This has gone over real good, since we haven't got the slightest idea how to enjoy people, only doing things with people.

So, since you don't know how to enjoy a really close relationship, you need to prevent it. I tell ya, a close relationship can grow on you. It can feel darn good. But, it can scare the ear wax out of you.

Here's one thing you can do. Don't show appreciation. People feel close to those who appreciate them. Oh, you can say, "Thanks" for things. Just don't express appreciation for the person who did something for you. This little routine will give you just a touch of closeness. You can handle a mere touch. So, it is okay to say, "Thanks for the delicious dinner." That will keep more dinners coming your way. But don't you dare say, "You are such a great cook." That's way too personal. That draws the person to you. The other draws more dinners to you. Study this difference. It could save your sorry soul the discomfort of closeness.

And be careful of receiving personal appreciation. If your special person says to you, "You are such a nice person," you will draw closer to that person. And you know what that means - personal vulnerability. Auuggghhh! You could get hurt again. Remember how you were hurt by one of your parents or an older sibling because you felt close, and then you were not important and felt rejected and said, "Never again." That's why you don't want to let personal appreciation get by the front door of your little brain. Because, you still can't distinguish between whatever happened before and what happens now. I tell you, you'll be hurt.

"But what if I want to be closer to the ones I really love?"

Let's start off by getting in touch with your shady past. Whatever rejection you have had in the past doesn't mean jack. If it was from parents, it wasn't about you. If it was from other kids, you are not the same person now, and even they have grown up (hopefully) and wouldn't pick on you. If it was from a previous relationship, maybe this present partner is different. Or maybe you screwed up that previous relationship with your rampant paranoia about closeness.

Maybe your parents didn't like you. They had poor taste. It was their problem. It wasn't about you. It was about their mental status. They weren't able to be close. They didn't feel good about themselves. Or something like that. Something not about you.

It is very important that you get over being afraid of closeness for fear of the hurt that might come. You have heard the saying, "It is better to be loved and lose than to never be loved at all." Well, it is possible to work through your past hurt by seeing things from a less-personal perspective and with a recognition that those who hurt you did not mean to, they were just damaged goods themselves. It is possible to risk more and more closeness.

Because, you know what?

More and more closeness makes rejection less and less possible.

A first step to consider: draw the other person close to you first. Up to now, you have been resisting his or her drawing you close. That's why after a good time together you cause a fight or do something to create more personal distance. Stop it. Instead, do those kind things that will bring the other person close to you. You will be safer if the other person feels close to you. Just be careful not to push away when you start to feel the closeness. What a loser that would make you. Treat the other person as just as fragile as you are.

Or, maybe, you aren't the one in the relationship afraid of closeness. Then you need to talk with your important other about his or her fear of closeness and how the people who have caused hurt in the past most likely did not mean to. Tell that person that you will not be the first to reject, but that his or her "pushing away" behavior hurts you and will cause you to distance. Be sure to tell that person that more and more closeness makes rejection less and less possible.

What makes people feel close to another person?

FEELING APPRECIATED is one thing that does the trick. (We will discuss other things in the next issue.)

When someone appreciates you for something significant about you, it can make you feel close to him or her. When you appreciate someone for something significant about them, it can make them feel closer to you. Remember that it must be appreciation for something significant. ("I appreciate your tattoo or painted toe nails" won't do it.) And criticism or a generally dissatisfied attitude will negate the effect of appreciation.

How do you appreciate a person for most everything about them? This is hard because we think that if a person feels accepted and appreciated by us, they will not change those behaviors we just can't stand. However, if a person feels appreciated, he or she can usually better accept criticism and become motivated to change because of the closer relationship. So, we've got it all screwed up. Appreciate a person to get him or her to change.

What if a complaint could be lodged only after ten significant appreciations were expressed? Well, doing that isn't easy for most folks. We seem to be a hundred times more aware of what we don't like about someone than what we do like. But, helping people feel good about themselves makes them more capable of personal changes.

Nobody is all bad. Be sure to show appreciation for what the person does right. (This is especially important with kids.) If that person knows you appreciate him or her, it should develop a little more closeness. If the other person does not reciprocate, show them this newsletter and talk about it. Then ask to be appreciated also. And, remember, if appreciation does not come - it is not about you. It is about the other person's hurt and issues. You deserve appreciation. You deserve closeness. It will come.

Mutual closeness is what you want - both of you feeling close to each other at the same time. So, keep in mind that when one person is feeling close to another, the other might not be feeling close because what that person needs to feel close may be absent. For example, one person might be feeling appreciated, but the other person might not have received any sincere appreciation. People in relationship have to work at mutual closeness.

THE SPITTING INTO THE WIND AWARDS closeness avoidance edition

WILEY COYOTE AND THE ROAD RUNNER receive top award. Just consider how good they are at blowing each other away. They are great models for couples who want to be unhappy and distant from one another - yet keep that undying loyalty.

DEMOCRATS and REPUBLICANS must receive honorable mention for showing people how not to listen to one another except in times of emergency.

CLASSIFIEDS

MAGNETIC RINGS OF OPPOSITE POLES PREVENT CLAPPING   These nifty little finger rings will hold back your ability to show your appreciation by clapping. Will help keep distance in your relationship so that you don't have to do Honey-Do Lists or ever buy flowers, or have home-cooked meals of your favorite foods to enjoy.

ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MANIPULATION BY APPRECIATION  Convert any sincere show of appreciation into the best of paranoid thought. Helps you question any behavior of another that feels good and poses the danger of the two of you becoming really close.

LEARN THE COZY-AVOIDANCE RESPONSE   Do you sometimes get trapped into feeling close to her or him? Our proven method is foolproof to show you how to fall asleep at the most dangerous times, such as when looking tenderly into one another's eyes or getting into one of those deeper conversations. Time-tested on rhinoceros, and you know about the aphrodisiac nature of their horns. Our motto: If it can keep two rhinos apart, it can work for you.

TV's & COMPUTERS THAT CAPTURE ATTENTION away from the people who want to be close to you. These babies come with lots of interesting programs.

THE IDEAL MAN or THE IDEAL WOMAN POSTER  This will work better than Playboy or Playgirl to prevent satisfaction with your spouse. Not a nude thing, though. Instead, it is a list of all of the perfect personal qualities available in the human race. Next to this list, your mate will show up poorly. You can then continue your dream that you are a specimen of perfection and deserve the ideal man or woman.

BOOK: Hobbies And Other Recreational Pursuits to Ruin Relationships  This book is cheap, so that you can save your money for that expensive divorce.

YET TO COME

THE DANGERS OF GREATER CLOSENESS THROUGH EMOTIONALLY SHARED EXPERIENCES, BEING INTERESTED IN ONE ANOTHER MORE DEEPLY, WANTING TO INVOLVE ONE ANOTHER AND OTHER INSIDIOUS ACTIONS THAT CAN PREVENT A REWARDING NARCISSISTIC AND SELFISH LIFESTYLE.

IN THE NEWS

SOMETHING'S AMISS

BEAR HOLLOW, ALASKA

The new I-Feel-Your-Pain Foundation, founded recently by Bill Clinton, has set up operations over the dentist's office to help investigate a new mystery in this small, inland Alaska town. Scotland Yard is also here, taking a break from their Lock Ness Monster investigation.

What has gotten everyone's attention in this close-knit community of Intuits and Newbies from the lower 48 is that for the first time in known history people seem to be growing more distant from one another. And nobody knows why.

Billy Morris in 2^nd grade wrote on an assignment, "nobody wants to play table games with me anymore." Jasmine Taylor in 7^th grade decided to study waning conversational patterns in Bear Hollow marriages for her science project. And Bubba Smith, Bear Hollow's star high school quarterback has stopped passing to his favorite receivers. Even igloo-cuddling is diminishing.

It was the local pharmacist who first noticed that "Whazzzuppp?" began to mean, "Whazzupp?" All of a sudden residents want to know, "What's up?"

The I-Feel-Your-Pain Foundation has been interviewing folks all over town. So far, they have only found one couple who is not concerned. Elmo and Alberta Zottlebanger remarked to them, "We don't understand what you're even talking about." Then they resumed their characteristic complaining about each other.

Scotland Yard tells us that they have compiled a number of interesting clues. (1) The grizzlies haven't yet stopped running away. [see last issue] (2) The Zottlebangers' unique statement. (3) There has been talk for the first time of the need for a secure juvenile detention facility. (4) Both of the Zottlebanger's neighbors are planting hedges.

The mystery continues. Anyone with a theory about what might be going on is invited to make suggestions at Dick@Wulf.com.