Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Fear of Closeness Issue
© January 2002, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Closeness is worth the risk, and not often all that hurtful. So, stop being so afraid of it. Enough with the faint-hearted bit!

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

HOW TO CREATE EMOTIONAL DISTANCE AND GUARANTEE YOUR OWN PERSONAL MISERY

"Closeness can hurt. Don't do it anymore." That's the theme song of emotional cowards. And, you want to be one of them, right?

There was a little girl who was enjoying a great big lollipop. Along came a bully who stole it from her. So she decided never, ever again to have a lollipop. She didn't want to be that disappointed ever again. So, rather than learn how to keep her lollipop when someone would try to take it away from her, she decided better to never try to have that pleasure ever again. No more luscious, delicious lollipops.

That story makes sense to far too many people. Something hurt real bad and they are never going there again. No matter how good it might feel.

Now, me, I would rather learn how to beat the snot out of the lollipop stealer and still go on licking my candy. Wouldn't you?

People who are scared of closeness have usually grown close to somebody who has then disappeared in some way - rejection, moving too far away, death, or choosing to be close to someone else, leaving them high and dry (alone and hurting). The hurt is so bad, conscious or just unconscious, that they develop ways to keep people at arm's length so as not to again be close emotionally and therefore vulnerable. In order to not ever be so hurt again, they decide to never experience true closeness ever again, if their subconscious actions can prevent it.

Yes, these people rarely know that they are afraid of closeness. They do the "distancing thing" but call it something else. Some even pride themselves on their people relationships and how many friends they have. Those things are great cover. Why, only those closest to them can see through the baloney.

So, are you one of those who have been incredibly hurt by someone? Do you want to pull your tail under your body and make sure you can make a hasty retreat from any potential repeat of the pain? If so, let me teach you some incredibly effective ways to keep others at bay and still feel smug about yourself. (I will leave out the white-supremacist Idaho camp technique.)

THE NAG AND PICK METHOD

You can prevent personal closeness expertly by being a real negative, complaining person. But, be careful. If you overdo this one, you might find yourself alone. You want the person there, just not too close for comfort. Because, if the person walks out, it will still hurt some, even though you ruined the closeness. It works best if you just find something a little wrong with whatever the person does. And, then do something nice to bring the person back just a little bit closer to you. But, remember to enjoy that closer relationship for only a short while. Then push her or him away again with something a bit nasty. To live with yourself, tell yourself some lies about the other person, such as that he or she is a selfish pig.

THE LOOK GOOD BUT BE UNAVAILABLE METHOD

This one's a real killer, very effective at keeping the other person on the hook but avoiding the closeness that you would really enjoy but about which you are a stupendous coward. Hey, why be brave and risk emotional pain? Why not stay safe and incredibly sick-o? This technique involves looking nice, being real polite or politically correct or obeying Miss Manners. Do whatever will please the other so that she or he walks around the house with tongue hanging out begging for attention. Then, have no time or no emotions for that person. You get to have someone in your life, and you don't have to worry about being vulnerable. To be able to live with yourself, act innocent and dumb.

THE SUPERFICIALITY TECHNIQUE

Hey, this is a real feel-good way to make others miserable and too confused to know that you did it to them. Be pleasant. Be up! Be superficial. Make everyone your dearest friend. Stay unreal. Always be strong. Treat everyone with superficial enthusiasm. Those you keep at distance will hardly ever figure out that you are responsible for much, if not all, of the personal, unrewarding distance in the relationship. Live with yourself without pain, as you will fool yourself into thinking that you are a person who enjoys emotional closeness.

ARE THERE OTHER TECHNIQUES?

Oh, yea!

But enough of this silliness.

Okay, let's just suppose that you wake up one morning and say to yourself, "I am just plain fed up with being such an emotional 'fraidy cat. I hate not feeling secure in relationships. I don't want to be terrified of emotional closeness with the people I love."

Hey, it could happen.

So, there you are, lying in bed ready to shed your yellow stripe and dress for emotional success. Now what?

Listen up. Good for you. After you have watched the movie Braveheart a few times and memorized the line, "Every man dies, but not every man lives!" (Thank you, Mel Gibson.), you are ready. Courage is the Name of the Game.

Focus on the hurt that came sometime in your life that made you afraid. Step One is to beat the snot (editorial note: I like that phrase) out of the consequence of that memory. Say a friend or one of your parents was close and then shut you out. Well, ever since that, you have been telling yourself, "I can never survive another hurt like that." Well, guess what, Friend? You've been going through that hurt daily, weekly, or some other periodic time frame. ENOUGH! Let me hear you say it aloud. "ENOUGH!"

Now to the beating the snot out of the memory of the hurt.

#1: You did survive the hurt, even though you have felt it over and over again. What's one more try? Can it really hurt much more than the hurt you experience (but hide from) over and over again?

#2: The best revenge is success at getting back what you lost. However, you cannot do that without doing your part - that part you haven't done since you were hurt long, long ago. Change your mind and desire to get hurt a couple more times until you cross the finish line with that close, secure love you have always wanted. Let down your guard and go for it!

Learn to be close to people regardless of whether they are able to be close to you. Maybe they can't. Maybe you'll eventually set them free to be close. (That would be noble.) Enjoy people. Share experiences with them. Appreciate them. Focus on "being there" for them. At first, don't be concerned about getting closeness back. Some will give it back; others won't. Don't pay much attention yet.

After a while of investing closeness in many others without expecting much back, step back and analyze. Of the people to whom you've extended warmth and concern, which ones have begun to give closeness back? Begin to think of these as "good friends".

Now pick only one or two who weren't able to give back closeness. Think of these as "needy friends." Keep them as friends. Just remember that they can't give much back emotionally. (But, someday . . . with your patient help and example . . . maybe.) In the meantime, be vulnerable and courageous. They will only hurt you if you forget their limitation. (Need I suggest you don't make them your best friends, require them to build up your ego, or - gasp! - marry one of them?)

Dump the rest! (A few good friends and a couple of needy friends is enough.) If being unavailable to them is not enough to get rid of these "extras", as it often is not, then tell them gently that you're cutting back on your commitments. If you can, ask them to get some help in being close, giving of themselves emotionally, showing support and connecting.

#3a: Figure that, if it was the closeness of a parent that disappeared, it was probably a problem of your parent's, not something wrong with you. Others won't be so likely to hurt you in the same way. Not unless you set it up with that stupid distancing behavior (see three methods above).

#3b: If it was not a parent who withdrew from you and caused you so much hurt when you trusted that person, then realize that it might have been a person who was raised to have problems that would get in the way of him or her delivering what you needed. And, consider that your own past might have had a hand in the pain. So, the better news is that another person will be different than the last - and you can be different also. Get some help to remove from yourself enough dysfunction to make a good relationship possible. Also get some help to find out why you are attracted to the dangerous people rather than the safe ones.

CLASSIFIEDS
FOR THOSE AFRAID OF CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS

THE NEGATIVITY ENCYCLOPEDIA organizes dissatisfactions alphabetically by gender. Armed with this tome, no one will want a closer relationship with you, no matter how handsome, beautiful, wealthy or smart you are.

KEY CHAIN VOICE RECORDER with unhappy face motif. Don't forget even one of your complaints or criticisms.

PORCUPINE SUIT 'Nuf said. Available at PorkyPine.com.

COMPENDIUM OF OBNOXIOUS PERSONAL HABITS including underarm bacterial cultures, toe fungus, leprosy, and cigars. Guaranteed to create great distance from others.

IN THE NEWS

LITTLE GIRL HUGS AWAY COMMUNITY DISCORD

BEAR HOLLOW, ALASKA

Heather Bigheart transformed Bear Hollow by means of her work toward a Kindness Badge in Brownie Girl Scouts. She brought to a halt the investigation into why people were growing colder toward one another in this small Alaskan town.

Escorted by her St. Bernard dog named Bigfoot, 7-year-old Heather went all over town giving bear hugs. Subsequent research has confirmed that there is great power to unite people in a 7-year-old female bear hug. People are again close to each other in Bear Hollow. Oh, and the grizzlies have stopped running away.

Other news is that the new development Green Hills, way out on the edge of town bordering the massive Alaskan forest has gone bankrupt. Only one family has chosen to distance itself from the center of town - the Zottlebanger Family. Correspondingly, work on a new juvenile detention center has been put on hold.

The wildlife near Green Hills seem to be disappearing. Here we go again!