Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Drawing Closer, Enjoying One Another Issue
© February 2002, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Try it.  You'll like it.  Beats the cold-silent routine.

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

HOW TO CREATE A LITTLE MORE CLOSENESS
AND ENJOY MORE THAN JUST PICKING YOUR NOSES TOGETHER

Well, in the last two issues, I have tried to get you over the fear of closeness, at least so that you can take a sliver out of your loved one's hand or tickle his or her fancy. I have also suggested that showing appreciation makes the relationship safer for closeness.

This issue is for those of you who long for more closeness than comes from watching television together or scratching each other's dandruff. So, get ready for more than boob-tube and dandruff closeness. Come out from under the piano. It won't hurt that much. Quit being so stubborn and impossible and let your guard down. Stop worrying about yourself and your safety -- live a little.

So, are you ready for closeness? Sure you are! Here we go.

Oh, you're afraid if anyone gets close, they won't like what they find? Of course, they won't. What do you think -- you're perfect? (Let's see. I've got to stop laughing.)

You want perfect people? Go to heaven. Oh, you think you are perfect? How come you're not in heaven? Get real!

You still can't do closeness for fear of being found out? Everybody already knows that you have bad spots. Life bumps you around, and even though you are still in one piece, you're gonna have some bruises and bad spots. The issue is not whether that Someone Special will find faults in you, it is whether or not he or she is a decent person and will help you rather than criticize and hurt you. The other issue is whether or not you can accept your own faults and begin to work some of them out, starting with the ones that are most hurtful for your partner.

So, pull up your underpants, guys. And put your face on, gals. And SHOW UP! For relationship.

* * * * *

I'm going to talk about three things that can bring people closer.

EMOTIONALLY SHARED EXPERIENCES

INTEREST IN ONE ANOTHER

INVOLVING ONE ANOTHER IN LIFE AS WELL AS ITS DECISIONS

When you memorize all three of them, we'll get started. So, get going! Now! Quick, my beard is growing out of control.

Share Emotional Experiences

When you share emotionally-close experiences, you draw closer and the closeness can be remembered. These can be very different times, crazy times,, celebrations, and, especially, scarey times. (Focused appreciation fits here too, but I dealt with appreciation a couple of months ago.)

Very Different Times: Do really different things together. The Same Ole Same Ole doesn't build memories. Go to an auto race or a college theater production. Watch a butterfly hatch. Make a list of all the different things you could do together. Keep a list of all those you have done.

Crazy Times: Do a few really, really unusual, out-of-character, even stupid things. And laugh together. Eat a meal upside down. (Check with your doctor first.) Skip down the street together. Have a marshmallow war in your kitchen. Blow kisses to strangers - or parking meters. (But not to police. No. Oh no.)

Celebration Times: Celebrate a lot of things. There's many of your (the two of you) own things to celebrate, (This Saturday could by your very own Belly-Button Appreciation Day.) Celebrate ANY fairly significant accomplishment. And, bring celebrations to others. Whenever someone you know accomplishes something, celebrate it with them.

Scarey Times: Face scarey times together. Be together when someone dies. Be together when money is short. Hold each other. Take the scare seriously and don't turn on one another during these times when you really, really need each other.

Show Interest in One Another

What did we used to say regarding the obvious? "Duh!"

How can anyone get close to somebody who is continually drawing attention to himself or herself? There's very little in it for us to get close to such a person. Feel sorry for those poor blokes who talk about themselves so very much when no one is asking. They really aren't settled within themselves that they are adequate. They always have to have a lot of attention drawn their way as evidence that they are "okay", "somebody". We just wish they had had the childhood that would have settled that question at that time of life when it could be settled.

Want closeness? Don't ask for it. Give it. If the other person is healthy, it will come bouncing back to you.

Know what the other person's life is like and imagine what they experience and what they hope for. Show interest in your Special Other. Keep a list, if you have to, of what is important to him or her. Ask about those things - often.

After a while, ask the other if he or she is interested in anything about you or your life. If not, that person is pretty damaged and needs my help. (My number is 520-8191.)

Involve Your Significant Other in Your Inner Life

Invite the other person along. This can be in doing something or going somewhere. But, it is even more powerful if you ask for advice (and not argue about it like an idiot), give suggestions (but don't insist they be taken), tell your feelings about things, share information about yourself (like what is your favorite color and why), and involve the other in some of your decisions.

Being involved in one another's lives is close. Do it.

CLASSIFIEDS

IN THE NEWS

COMMUNITY THREATENED BY UPCOMING SEMINAR

BEAR HOLLOW, ALASKA

The community of Bear Hollow is drawing close once again. The mayor accredits this to the common emotional experience of coping with the Zottlebanger family. "Nothing like shared emotional experiences, even bad ones, to put people back together again! Ever since Elmo and his family moved to the edge of town as the only residents in Green Hills, people have drawn close in order to consider how to deal with the Zottlebanger Problem."

On the other hand, noting the positive effect his family is having on the community, Elmo Zottlebanger gathers up his family many times a week and parades proudly through the streets.

Of course, Zottlebanger hasn't a clue. But he's plenty happy that he and his family can make a contribution. Asked why he and his family strolls the Bear Hollow streets, Elmo replied, "It draws people closer together. They see me and my family, and they want to have the closeness we have." He stopped to slap around his eleven-year-old son and continued, "I guess they're sort of jealous of us. So, they are doing more things together and showing more interest in one another. Pretty soon, we will be renting space at the Elks Lodge and doing a seminar for them on The Zottlebanger Way."

Asked for a sneak preview of The Zottlebanger Way of achieving family closeness, Elmo outlined his principles and gave this reporter examples. "First, you gotta share emotional experiences. Like when one of my kids is unhappy and crying, we all gather around and make fun of him. It makes us feel like a team. Second, you need to show interest in one another's pursuits. Like when my little 8-year-old daughter goes out bear hunting alone, we always ask her if she bagged one when she gets back. Principle Number Three is involving one another in the important parts of our lives and showing interest. When my wife cooks dinner, we are all very interested and involve ourselves in eating it, trying not to complain about more than one thing each."

What a guy, that Elmo.