Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Talking and Listening But Not Communicating Issue
© March 2002, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Being understood: Priceless! Understanding the other person: Priceless!

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE SO THAT YOU UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER

Ever notice how much more talking goes on during dating and courtship? Then the wedding happens, and boom! Real life takes over. But, the real miracle is that courtship has such a high level of talking. Why is there that one period of openness and verbal exchange?

The reason is the Q387-B hormone controlled by the doo-dad on the 20,301st. gene on the male's Y chromosome. Set off by passion, this hormone causes the man during courtship to actually be open to relationship with the female of the species. Yep.

No one yet knows what causes the self-destruction of this hormone once wedding rings are exchanged. Could it be total-body exhaustion caused by extreme talking during courtship? What explains the disappearing talk once the honeymoon is over?

But, here's the real question. Was all that talk during courtship true communication?

Probably not.

It has always been known that the Y chromosome is limited in words. At genetics conventions, Y chromos rarely talk as much as the X's. They are much more comfortable hanging around the DNA double-helix and talking sports or some other topic devoid of true genetic transparency. In fact, Y chromos are often kicked out of the convention and sent back to The Molecule, as the DNA is referred to.

As many X chromos know, real communication transmits understanding. Y chromos think that simply words - any words - communicate.

Unfortunately, communication doesn't just happen because words are in the air. You have to talk to the person you are talking to. You need to listen to the person who is talking to you. Sound simple? Well, it isn't. Most people don't do it.

Ever walk away confused because the other person didn't understand the simple thing you said to him or her? Of course you have. And you didn't think nice thoughts, either! Here's the reason that happened. You didn't talk to the person you talked to, and he or she didn't listen to the person who spoke.

Crazy, huh? Well, patience, please. I will explain in a minute.

People should automatically know what you mean when you say something. Right?

Not right!

Hey, think about it. They don't know your background and all of the things you have been through that gives a particular meaning to your words.

Here's the ugly truth. Anything said can mean at least six different things (and can lead you to Kevin Bacon). In fact, depending on mood and what was eaten for lunch, the very same words can mean a gazillion different things.

So, what's a person to do? (Other than join a mountain gorilla society and enjoy their limited verbal variety?)

When you talk to someone, talk to that person. Use words and phrases so that the other person has the best chance of knowing what you mean. People do this automatically when they talk to small children. They keep in mind who it is they are talking to and make their statements clearly understandable to the child. But, as kids get older, that kind of carefulness starts to disappear. It is an endangered species when it comes to adult-to-adult communication.

If you have to say often, "What I meant was . . .", then you are probably not careful enough in your initial communications. You are talking to yourself. In other words, you are using the words you would understand, not those that the other person is likely to understand. You might be picking words from your dictionary, but not from the other person's. Or, you might not be saying enough, trusting that the other person will ask questions in order to know what you mean. However, the other person might not understand you well enough to know what to ask.

Often, you must ask questions before you decide what is meant when someone talks to you about something important. There are few points (or anchovies) awarded for knowing quickly what another person means, so try to hold back your, "I know what you mean." That's because when you think you know what a person means, you often only understand the surface message - but not the fuller meaning of the message.

Actually, most do not know what another person means because they are not really listening to the other person. What they are doing is only listening to the words of the other person. They then try to understand the meaning of those words as interpreted by the filter of their own past experiences and understandings. Essentially, they are listening to what they would mean if they said those same words in that same way. They are not listening to what the person talking means by those words in light of his or her past experiences, family culture, mood, etc.

Think how important it is to not rush to a conclusion about what another person is saying about something important. I you are right about 75% of the time, you will screw up royally one out of four important communications. That's not a good batting average except in baseball. With a 25% failure rate, you and those you are communicating with will experience much more confusion and frustration than is comfortable and tolerable.

Okay, it's example time.

Say, I've had a very busy day. When I get home, my wife Jean says, "I'm tired." I decide that she means she wants to do nothing and suggest that we order pizza so that neither of us has to fix dinner. What she means, however, is that she is tired of hanging around home and wants some stimulation. She wants to get out of the house.

Did we talk? Yes. Did we communicate? Not really. But, all I would have had to ask is, "Why are you tired?" or "What kind of tired are you?" Simple enough! Can you see it? Then, try it.

Most husbands and wives think that they understand each other. I have been married 36 years and still find it practical to assume that I don't understand adequately anything important that Jean says to me. Even if I think I know, I try to assume I don't and remember to ask questions. Since this philosophy is new for me, I am still perfecting my approach. Maybe you will want to join me in making this improvement.

Communication is easier if we take the time to dialogue and really get to know the other person well. Unfortunately, people tend to think they know a lot about the other person when they know very little.

For example, I ask my wife Jean what is her favorite ice cream flavor. She says it is rocky road. Do I then know my wife's favorite ice cream? Yes. Do I understand her? Not really. I couldn't even do a simple job of throwing her a birthday party. What brand is she thinking of when she answers the question? Does she like to eat it soft or hard? For her birthday party, would she prefer cake with her rocky road ice cream or cookies?

So, did I communicate by merely asking Jean what is her favorite flavor of ice cream? Only a very little.

To really understand people, a lot of questions must be asked. To know what they mean, questions must be asked. To understand more than superficially, questions must be asked.

Curiosity is a good friend to relationships. Why is it that we cannot be fascinated by other people? Each and every person is a wonder. It can be very, very interesting to find that someone whose favorite flower is the same as yours, has a completely different reason. It also can be fascinating to understand why a person does something in a way that you would consider wrong. It doesn't matter. Perhaps you will learn a different way of looking at it and discover that the way he or she does it is only wrong for you. Or, you might find that it is not wrong at all, and would be a better way for you to do it.

So the guts of what I am saying is this. (a) The one trying to make something known must remember the knowledge and experience base of the other person and give more than the minimum information. And, (b) before responding, the one listening needs to ask questions to make sure he or she understands better what the other person is saying.

If both the talker and the listener will do their jobs as best as they can, communication should be guaranteed. If only one does his or her job well, there is still a good chance for success.

CLASSIFIEDS

IN THE NEWS

ALASKAN COMMUNITY CONFRONTED WITH COMMUNICATION CHALLENGE

BEAR HOLLOW, ALASKA

Mimicking his favorite U.S. President, Bill Clinton, Elmo Zottlebanger replied, "I feel your pain." when, in fact, he didn't seem to have a clue.

The Town Council of Bear Hollow had invited Elmo and his wife Alberta to "communicate" about the Zottlebanger family fitting into the local society a bit better. The citizens of this little town wanted to understand this family from Contrary, Missouri and see what could be done.

But, communicating was to be hard to come by. Elmo kept thinking that he was influencing the community in such a wonderful way that the Council was trying to grant him a sweet, governmental job.

Communication between the Zottlebangers and the Town Council stalled after Elmo had too often said hurriedly, "I know what you mean."

The Council spokesperson told the Zottlebangers that the town wanted to find out more about their family. Elmo immediately replied, "I know what you mean. We are a remarkable family."

When the Council clarified that they were not commenting on the Zottlebanger's good qualities, Elmo got angry and escalated the conversation by saying loudly, "You said you wanted to find out more about our family because we are so helpful to the community." Seems Elmo wasn't listening to the city officials but to the wonderful noises in his own head.

Then the Council switched gears and commented that they wanted to know how the Zottlebanger family had driven away the bears. Elmo responded, "Oh, I know how you feel. Those bears can be such trouble." Efforts to convince Elmo and Alberta that the town liked their bears were canceled by the Zottlebangers' inability to listen to others.

After a few more futile tries to be heard, the Council ended its meeting with the Zottlebangers and went into emergency session. They quickly made it against the law in Bear Hollow to use the terms "I know what you mean" and "You said . . ." as far too dysfunctional for proper community life.