Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Talking to the Person You're Talking To Issue
© May 2002, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Talking to hear your head rattle might be fun, but what if you want to get your point across?

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

SELF-CENTERED NON-COMMUNICATION

Hearing our head rattle is fun at the start, but when we want to be understood it is about as useless as a second appendix and as dysfunctional as foot warmers on your ears.

But, even though on our better days we will admit that talking just to say we are communicating is nonsense, we still love to do it. It's easier! Why think about what you say in light of how the other person might hear it? What a tedious drag. Hey, why don't they listen to you and figure out what a person like you means when he or she says something?

After all, doesn't the world revolve around you?

And, this attitude, adopted by idiots and others who don't want their messages to be understood, will assure that the relationship never gets too demanding. That's 'cause there won't be any relationship. Good plan, 'eh?

After all, you can only listen to one radio station at a time. Right? And, isn't it going to be your station? Why would you tune into another person's station when you are trying to communicate what's on your station?

HOW TO KEEP BOTH OF YOU IN MIND WHEN YOU TALK
AND GIVE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION A CHANCE

Expert negotiators know that it is much more important to know how the other guy sees reality and what that other party wants than to understand your own position. In fact, top negotiators making boo-koo bucks make up their own positions in reaction to the other person's position. They're smart, those negotiators making ten grand a day. Let's be like them.

I once took training in negotiating. I remember an example that illustrated how important it is to know the other person before talking. This world-renown negotiator teaching the course was on a team to negotiate oil leases in Brazil. He and a team of five others traveled to Brazil every week for six months to haggle out a deal. The cost of such effort was gigantic, as you can imagine. At the end of six months a deal had been struck and contracts signed. As those papers lay on the table after the official signing, the Americans turned to one another and gave the "OK" sign. You know, the one with the index finger making a circle by touching the tip of the thumb.

Well, in Brazil that is one of the most obscene gestures possible. The Brazilians quickly picked up the papers and ripped them to shreds. Six months of negotiation went up in smoke.

How often do a husband and wife not consider what a certain communication will mean to the other in light of that person's past experiences and personal sensitivities? Well, even with the more aware of us, we screw up regularly.

Think of a client I had years ago who had a pet name for his wife that she loathed. She asked him not to call her the name. (It was an okay name, not rude or crude.) He would tell her she was silly and continue to call her the name, building true and nasty resentment over many years. The relationship went to pot because of such insensitivity on the part of Mister My Way is Fine 'Cause I Said So.

Well, the hidden story, the one that this far-less-than-ideal husband never listened to even though told more

than once, was that the wife had been called that very name by her siblings. They used it in a very demeaning manner. (In other words, to make her feel bad.) She hated it when her husband called her that name because she heard it through the experience of the past.

But, Mr. Not-So-Wonderful's family of origin had used the very same name as a term of endearment. So, all that counted to him was what he meant. Not how it would be heard.

Therapy was successful. We had his tongue removed. (Tried brain surgery first, but it had traveled south.)

How sad it is that people don't realize how almost impossible it is to talk and be understood without understanding the other person well. In this society that most values efficiency and productivity over personal relationships, people just don't want to take the time to get to know another person - how they see things, why they see them that way, how they prefer to live life, how they like to be talked to and with, etc.

And, yet, without such understanding, there is no way to be sure that what you mean is what will be heard - not at the understanding level at least.

Now, there are many areas where we have learned to tailor what we say to the person and the situation. (A few really dumb persons will never get it, but that's not you or me, of course.) For instance, when a little child falls down, we consider that it might hurt and we don't ridicule. (If we're not one of the aforementioned idiots.) But, then, when a small child does something wrong, we are prone to say, "Don't do that" without considering that the child does not know what is the right thing to do (say, to get back his blocks from this other intruder who toddled onto the scene).

Some situations are easy and we are more careful how we express ourselves. We might think that a person walking down the street looks absolutely ridiculous, what with tatoos everywhere and metal studs all over every piece of leather clothing with a frown on his tooth-missing face from too many bar brawls. But, are we going to tell him? No.... Are you kidding? (If I just described you, then you might get away with telling him how funny he looks. But all of the other readers are not going to say a word. Why, we won't even look at him for fear of his thinking we are challenging him. We don't want to be his next meal.)

But, this silence in the face of terrifying thuggerie is not sensitivity. It is practicality. This is the same thing that happens when a spouse finally gets fed up and threatens some terrifying consequence in reaction to insensitivity. All of a sudden, if the threat is clear enough and seems like it might be carried out, the insensitive partner becomes sensitive. A miracle? Hardly. Just common sense. Lasting? Are you kidding?

But, those of us who want a great relationship with our partners (and best friends and children and parents) carefully keep in mind who that person is when we talk to him or her. We remember all we can about what they have been through. We consider their frayed edges and sensitivities. We say what we have to say in such a way as to be understood, and that means a great deal of carefulness to avoid the sore spots and fit the message into his or her experience.

If this sounds like a lot of work, it is. Long-term relationships are important enough to demand this kind of hard effort. But, as time goes on, it is easier and easier. That is because a certain sensitive way of talking will have been adopted and practiced.

Here's a hint when the other person does not react congenially when you say something. Ask how they took what you said, or what they thought you said. Don't argue with them, just explain what you meant in more careful detail. As you are doing this, try to be learning about that person's sensitivities and the meanings that they put on certain words or concepts. I guarantee, those won't change. You will have to adjust how you talk to that person.

But, think how smart you will be getting.

Joe from Jersey comes in Third Place. After learning that his wife grew up next door to a murderer who hacked up his victims, Joe stopped telling her that he "loved her to pieces", a phrase he learned from who knows where.

Mary from Maryland wins Second Place for sensitivity to a husband who lost a favorite dog in a house fire when he was a child. She no longer starts the grill and yells out, "Let's roast some dogs!" She is careful to call them wieners. (The lost dog was not a dachshund.)

Willie from Wisconsin wins First Place. His wife had extremely critical parents, leaving her with big feelings of inadequacy. And, Willie can be quite critical. (People often marry someone with the troublesome traits of the parent of the opposite sex.) But our First Place Winner is learning to say things like, "You are wonderful and the love of my life. But, I wish you would do - this or that - differently." He is making sure he helps her heal and no longer ignores her hurts. Oh, and he is getting more attention lately (you know, kisses - and unmentionables in a public newsletter like this one).

CLASSIFIEDS

IN THE NEWS

THERE'S HOPE!

BEAR HOLLOW, ALASKA

"By Jove, I think he's getting it!" cried out the mayor of this little frustrated town. He was speaking of Elmo Zottlebanger, a citizen that has been nothing but trouble.

Elmo is a good natured guy, just a little sparse between the ears. Under the bone. Due to this strange anomaly, it is rumored that Elmo flosses his ears - both at the same time with the same string. (Lots of wax. No evidence of more substantive tissue.)

Elmo and his family have such an aura that their simple presence drove all of the bears away. Some towns would be grateful for such an act, but the birds and the lovable furry critters went also. Just goes to show you that good naturedness can only go so far.

So, when Elmo mentioned to the City Council that he was "on to them", they thought they were in for more trouble. All members of the City Council strapped their seat belts before the mayor asked Elmo what he meant.

But Elmo was beaming. Onlookers could tell he was quite proud of himself when Elmo blurted out, "You want the bears here! You can't fool me. The wildlife gives this town character."

The town elders didn't mind that Elmo thought he had pulled one over on them. They were too shocked that for the first time there was indication Elmo was capable of understanding others. The Town Council had been trying to get Elmo to listen to their concern about the bears for months and months.

Hooray for Elmo!