Showing That You Really Love and Cherish Someone
© 1995, Dick Wulf, MSW, Colorado Springs, CO

Note: I wish I could guarantee results, but success depends on many factors. Do the best you can, and let's hope you have success.

People can show their love in many ways. People do things for and with one another. "Doing" can communicate love, but it does not build much intimacy.

It is by "being" that people open themselves for intimacy. If a married couple only "does" together, their relationship can stay shallow. This is sufficient for some people. But most of us want to "be together" in addition to "doing together". You can "do things" with just about anybody, so it is not normally a sign of closest love.

It is this "being together" that is addressed here.

SHOWING YOU UNDERSTAND

A person really wants to be understood (known) by those with whom he or she is supposed to be intimate (spouse, friend, etc.). Understanding is the beginning of really caring about another person.

At the safest level of personal risk, you care by trying to understand a person's reality - this is what he or she is going through. This is an intellectual acknowledgment and, unfortunately, is as far as many relationships go.

EXAMPLES

"You've had a rough day." (said without emotion in your voice)

"You are a person who likes a regular dose of fun."

"This is good stew."

"Did you write that letter to your mother?"

"Are you too sick to go to church?"

At a deeper level of risk and caring, you work at understanding and accepting a person's thoughts about his or her reality.

EXAMPLES

"The day didn't go the way you wanted, did it?"

"For you, life is not worth living if it doesn't have a regular dose of fun."

"This is good stew. Did you make it today because the weather turned cold?"

"What have you been thinking about that letter you want to write to your mother?"

"You don't think you should go to church when you're not feeling well, so I assume you are staying home. Is that right?"

At the deepest level, the level where loneliness begins to go away for the other person, you work at understanding and accepting a person's feelings about his or her reality.

EXAMPLES

"Today didn't go the way you wanted, did it? I'll bet it's been a rough one. You look like you're feeling discouraged. Are you?"

"If you don't have a regular dose of fun, you feel restless and depressed, don't you?"

"Did you enjoy making this stew?"

"Are you feeling afraid to write that letter to your mother?"

"You're feeling pretty miserable. Would going to church help or make you more uncomfortable?"

SHOWING YOU CARE

A person most knows that you really and truly care when you respond personally, and this is best done with your emotions. (Your thoughts are usually experienced as less personal than your emotions.) If a person really cares, he or she will have an emotional reaction to another's situation.

People too often pass one another and one asks, "How's it going?" The other replies, "So, so." And then, instead of screeching to a halt and asking what is happening, the first person walks on. No interest in the person's reality, no understanding of how that person considers (thinks and feels about) his situation, no understanding of or concern for how that person is responding emotionally to (feels about) his situation, and certainly no internal emotion toward that other person - because there is no real caring for that other person.

EXAMPLES

"I wish you had had a better day!" (With emotion in the voice and/or emotion on the face and/or an arm around the person.)

"I would dearly like to see you having more fun and enjoying life more."

"I'm really happy that you enjoyed making this stew so much."

"I am kind of afraid for you - that you won't get the response you need from writing a letter to your mother."

"I would like to see you stay home from church and take care of yourself."

Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW
Colorado Springs, Colorado