How to Use Family Meetings to Solve Family Problems
© 1998 Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW

The beauty of family meetings to solve family problems is that it can teach children problem-solving skills, give them confidence, help them mature, and bring the family members closer to one another.  I can't guarantee results, but give it your best try.

Here’s how to do it. I can’t guarantee results without being with you, but do the best you can and you should end up with something better than what you have now.

First of all, let me talk a little about why you might want to have the whole family address a problem rather than just expediently handle it yourself.

Let’s say that the problem is that chores are not being done properly. Most parents just "lay down the law". Sometimes that gets the chores back on track. But that’s all it does. In fact, so much more could be accomplished.

The real down side of getting firm with the family about chores is that all the weight of solving the problem is on the parent who is getting tough. Who wants to be the bad guy all the time?

Another disadvantage is that whatever the real problem underlying the poor chore performance is not getting dealt with. Chores may get better, but your kids might just be marking time until they can get out of the house and live like slobs in rebellion to all of "your rules".

Furthermore, as I shall soon show you, you should get many more positive results from bringing the problem of poor chore performance to the whole family to solve.

In another article on this web site titled How to Lead Your Family So That Everyone Helps Each Other I explain that one of the very most important leadership skills is not doing anything that your kids can do, if you want them to become capable adults someday. If you call a family meeting and throw out the problem of chores not getting done correctly for the family to solve, those who created the problem will have to solve it, any problems that are getting in the way of chore performance will be addressed, those solving the problem will "own" the solution (and that will help them be motivated to put the solution into effect), and the family will begin to see that the best way to avoid losing time solving family problems is not to cause them in the first place.

Okay, so we are at the point where you call everyone into the room where you will meet. They all sit down. You, as the parent calling the meeting, state that it seems to you a family problem exists – the chores are not being done properly.

You are not angry and you do not intend to punish. Your tone of voice should be friendly, expecting that the family will do a good job of dealing with the problem. You’re in a good mood. (If you have never done this before, the family might think that an alien took over your body.)

There is a chance that your kids have never understood and accepted why everyone has to pitch in to make a family "work" well. Maybe up until now one of the parents has been doing all of the work, leading the kids to believe they are guests rather than family members. So, if this is a problem, make sure that you explain why everybody’s help is necessary. And even if one parent is a homemaker, tell them how lucky they are in this day and age and then go on to explain that you have the responsibility of training them to do household chores without complaining and with – at the least – resigned contentment.

Then ask if everybody understands what you mean by the chores not being done properly. The kids will most assuredly state that they haven’t got the slightest idea what you are talking about and will sit there trying to look like the angels you always wished you had. You will expect this denial, so you stay in a good mood. (Not getting upset, this is beginning to be fun.)

You explain that the chores need to be done correctly so that the family can have a good quality of life. Then you tell everyone that the family will be solving its own problems from now on – that you are tired of getting upset and from now on just want solutions from the people responsible for the problems. You assure them that this does not have to be an unpleasant meeting, and that you hope that most effort will be put into deciding how to get the chores done properly and on time for everyone’s benefit.

Then you ask the family what is their understanding of vacuuming the floors (or some other chore) correctly. You explain that the first step in problem-solving is analyzing the problem and maybe people don’t know what a good and acceptable vacuuming job looks like.

You sit back and listen analytically to the various comments about how the vacuuming is to be done. Your job is merely to see if the family, with your help, can decide what an acceptable vacuuming job is. Once an acceptable description comes from the family, you merely ask what has gotten in the way of doing such a good job lately.

Again, you do not let anyone drag you into an argument, which is a teenager’s main strategy of defense. You merely remind them that they now know what a good job is and have to decide what is getting in the way so that starting immediately the vacuuming will meet the acceptable standard.

If your kids are smart they will admit that they just haven’t been giving it their "best shot" and will begin to do so. If they do, the problem is solved – for now. You have to give them a chance to try to do a good job. If they do, great! If they do not, call another meeting and have them solve what is still getting in the way of doing a good job.

In many cases time will be the reason a poor job is done. When they mention this as a barrier to their success, the family can brainstorm ways to save time for more fun things by deciding on the fastest way to do a good job rather than a sloppy job. Instead of giving out punishments (like restriction or loss of privileges) that do not solve the problem thus declaring defeat to the family’s problem-solving abilities, you are going to call another family meeting, thus using even more of their free time. Most kids will get the point and really solve the problem to avoid losing time in these kind of family meetings.

Parenthetically, let me add that those kids who do not make progress may be finding that the only way to get your time and attention is to screw up and have family meetings. This will be rare, but keep a look out.

Of course, you would eventually deal with all of the other chores that are not being done correctly. And it might take a while. So plan enough time, maybe even taking a whole Saturday, adding a picnic in between sessions. (This is how your company might address problems in your workplace.) Remember to keep it light, make it fun, but don’t give an unnecessary inch. If it turns into a power struggle rather than a meaningful family problem-solving adventure, you will have made the situation worse.

You are probably thinking that we are handling this way too gently and not exerting enough authority. But, the power is in your stubborn resolve that the family can become a group that solves problems rather than gets after people. There is additional power in your unshakeable good mood. And there is finally the kind of power you are used to in what I will explain now.

Whenever the family reaches an agreement on how they are going to solve the problem under discussion, like doing a good vacuuming job, you ask them to decide what should be the consequences in addition to another family meeting if the job is not done correctly. You might hold off on this in the first meeting and wait until they do not follow through on their intentions. That way you can explain that good intentions did not seem to get the job done and it seems that they need slightly painful consequences. In the first meeting you can mention that you will hold off on the discussion of consequences until it appears they need them. Then tell them that they can avoid a meeting to set logical consequences if the job is not done correctly – by doing the good job of vacuuming they have decided upon.

The beauty in the kids setting their own consequences is that then they only have themselves to blame, even though they might still try to blame you. (You are not a fish and do not have to take the bait and defend yourself.) If the kids try to set a consequence that you (and they) know will be too easy and comfortable, just declare that you don’t think they are being hard enough on themselves to make sure they succeed. Ask them to come up with another suggestion for an uncomfortable consequence that makes sense.

If you are wondering what a logical consequence might look like, see my web article on Chores, Rules And Consequences That Make Sense. In this case there are many possibilities, the most related one being practicing vacuuming every day until a good job is down three days in a row. (You can even sprinkle small shreds of paper in the corners to help see if a good job has been done. Explain in a good natured way that you are not doing this to be mean but that it is just the way people practice.)

Or you could have that child or teen vacuum a grandparent’s home or the home of an elderly person with poor eyesight (a good turn). If the problem is not knowing how to vacuum but not knowing how to work, then another consequence is just practicing working such as cleaning bathrooms, etc. You might have to explain (as I did years ago to my three young teen daughters) that it is your job to make sure they know how to work by the time they leave your home – that it is your responsibility and that you want to do well what you have to do for their benefit later on.

I know that this is just a "quick and dirty" explanation, but I think if you will give it a try, you will discover a way to deal with family problems that is far more rewarding. If you handle it this way, the kids will know something many adults do not -- that if they make a problem they are capable and must solve it. They learn that you will help, but that you will not take responsibility for their problems. This is very valuable. Your kids will begin to believe in themselves once they have solved a few sticky problems. (Believe me. I know. I have done group therapy with dysfunctional kids and teens for years. They really balk at first, but later they really feel smart and capable.)

Thanks for hanging in with this explanation this far. I must say that this method will work best if you have more family meetings to solve good problems and to have fun than for solving "bad" problems. See the web article on Family Nights.

An example of a family meeting to solve a "good" problem is to plan a vacation where each family member’s needs are met to some significant degree. This means everyone (even Mom and Dad) gets to do something they really enjoy with the help of the rest of the family pulling behind them to help them enjoy doing it, even if some do not like to do it.

As for having fun together, be sure to visit the web list of Fun Things to Do as a Family to help you come up with ideas. A fun family weathers family storms much better.

Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW
Colorado Springs, Colorado