How to Best Solve Problems
© 1998 Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW

Note: I wish I could guarantee results, but success depends on many factors. Do the best you can, and let's hope you have success.

Problem-Solving, Step 1: CATCH THE PROBLEM EARLY

Listen to your feelings. Let your negative feelings tell you there is a problem. Listen to your irritable and negative feelings when they are just noticeable if you want to handle problems with a cool mind and calm emotions. Your feelings can be your Early Warning System to tell you that a problem exists, usually before it gets out of hand. At the time your feelings just first begin, problems are usually more manageable. When you catch your feelings early, you can identify and solve a problem before it gets huge and more difficult to address.

You can learn to listen to your feelings when they are just beginning by tracing strong feelings backwards to discover what caused them to arise. When you recognize what caused your feeling of anger, irritation or other negative emotion, identify if you had at that time any physical sensation, however small. If you keep doing this process over and over again, in time you will learn to "hear" your negative emotion when it is just beginning, sometimes accompanied by a physical sensation. This allows you to easily recognize a problem early, when it is small and manageable. Your feeling is related to something that just happened, and that feeling is trying to get your attention directed toward a problem of some sort that needs to be solved.

Let me give you an example. Suppose that I find myself angry inside at my wife when we are finally in the car and headed toward the movie theater. Fortunately, I did not say anything angry and nasty, because that is a stupid thing to do. I want my relationship with my wife to be good.

We are later than I wanted to be. And I am too angry to deal with it constructively. I know now that it is too late to solve the problem of getting to this movie with the amount of time to spare that I like to have. I will now have to deal with it in a few days when the conversation is not likely to be so volatile.

But, I want to learn to listen to my feelings when they are not so out of control. Therefore, on the way to the movie theater I mentally drop my anger to deal with the situation another day. I tell my wife that I would like to think something through while we drive. I ask her if she minds if we do not talk for a few minutes. She agrees.

Then I begin thinking backwards. When did I first feel a little annoyed? Or a little concerned that we would not leave early enough? I remember when my wife decided to change to another outfit, not liking the clothes she had first picked out. I was concerned at that time that there would not be enough time. I identify the feeling and thoughts that could have been recognized and allowed me to solve the problem right then, in a more timely fashion.

I think how I could have handled things if I had paid attention to the feeling of concern (or "worry") that I had when my wife first mentioned she was going to change clothes. I wonder how I could have used that initial feeling (or thought) to identify the problem and search for a solution. I recognize that I could have asked my wife if she minded putting the final touches on in the car while we were driving so that we could be our usual ten minutes early and get good seats.

I recognize that the next time I will be more likely to pay attention to my beginning feelings and the thoughts that accompany them in order to solve the problem before it gets bigger.

Then, before starting a congenial conversation with my wife as we travel in the car to the movie theater, I decide when I can think about whether or not I still need to talk to my wife about holding us up. Yes, I can think that over on my way to work tomorrow. I relax. The problem is taken care of for now. Let's go watch the movie and have some fun!

Let me add that it would have been a gigantic mistake to have gotten very angry over the movie situation, even if we had been late. Making a situation more important than my marriage would qualify me for "Loser of the Month". It makes a lot of sense to rate the seriousness of problems on a scale of 1 to 10 before reacting to them.

Problem-Solving, Step 2: IDENTIFY AND ANALYZE THE PROBLEM

Problems rarely need to be addressed right away. So, take some time and do it right. But, on the other hand, do not put them off for long.

Before you do or say anything, recognize that whatever the problem is, it is most likely not yet clearly understood - at least not well enough to speak about it, especially if you are upset. Be aware that with a little thought, some problems disappear through better understanding of what is going on while other problems are realized to be much bigger and more complicated than first thought.

And be careful! Symptoms can look like problems. A symptom is only what shows, and is often not the real problem. Symptoms are like hives -- red spots on your body. But the problem is not the itchy spots but what you just ate to which you are allergic. You need to take a little time to think through if what you think is a problem is merely a symptom, a result of something else. You need to solve the Something Else!

A mother recently brought in her teenage son and complained that he was not taking some pretty important, life-saving medicine. She thought the problem was her son not taking the medicine. But it really was that the young man thought he had little to live for. To solve the medicine problem, we needed to help this young man decide on something in life to look forward to.

You should think about the problem long enough until your feelings subside so that you can talk about it without blaming or "getting after" someone. It takes time to think how to state the problem so that you are solving a problem rather than shaming a person.

When you can state the problem lovingly without blaming, criticizing, or "getting after", ask your partner when there will be time to consider the problem without being rushed. For example, you might say, "The other night I got angry because we left late for the movie theater. The problem for me is that I like to see the previews and do not like to watch a movie that has already begun. I cannot enjoy a movie if I think I may have missed something. I wonder if we could solve this problem together."

It is likely that your partner will become defensive, no matter how nicely you bring up the problem. Even if you are now speaking with more understanding and respect, defensiveness will happen for a while if you already have a relationship where blaming has been the history. It might also happen if your partner had harsh parents or overindulgent parents. If your partner reacts with defensiveness, even accusations, merely mention that you are not interested in blaming him or her, but just in solving the problem so that both of your needs are met.

This brings me to a very important point. Solve problems only after you know these very important things:

[1] what your own needs are in the situation or problem (to get to the movie at least ten minutes early)

[2] what are your partner's needs in the situation or problem (to present an attractive public image)

[3] what are your thoughts and feelings about (reasons for) your needs

[4] what are your partner's thoughts and feelings about (reasons for) his or her needs

This means that once you bring up the problem, you should ask your partner what his or her needs are with respect to the situation or problem. It is best to let the other, the one who did not bring up the situation or problem, go first. Otherwise, you will be too prepared and the other person might get defensive in order to buy time to think how to refute your position.

After you have a good understanding of your partner's needs and reasons for those needs (and remember to ask plenty of questions), explain your own needs.

Do not see your two different needs as being in competition. Instead, you must first see the problem situation as having a possible solution that meets both needs. This may not end up the case, but it must be how you first think about it. At this point you should try to be optimistic that creative problem-solving will discover a wonderful "win-win" solution.

Once you and your partner are able to see the problem as a challenge on which to work together rather than fight over, you are ready to go on to solving the problem.

Problem-Solving, Step 3: FIND SOLUTIONS TOGETHER

Attack the problem together -- never fight each other.

You are in this relationship together. Don't let a problem come between you. Do all you can to find a reasonable solution that is a "win-win" outcome. Use your creativity. Don't insist on having your own way, but find a way for both sets of needs or desires to be met.

Most problems have been going on for quite some time. Therefore, they do not need to be solved "right now". It is far better to be careful and find a solid and lasting solution. If you rush a decision, you will likely only find an inadequate solution and then become discouraged about problem-solving when your plan doesn't work.

Occasionally, you need a quick decision because of immediacy or a deadline. However, these quick decisions are not usually decisions about the real (underlying) conflicts. Make the necessary decision quickly, but return later to solve the bigger, underlying problem.

An example of this might be whether to travel to a distant relative's funeral when money is short and a quick decision is necessary. The major problem to be solved is how to use money. Make a quick decision based on the stronger need of one person. Agree not to fight about it. But then make it high priority to later use problem-solving skills on the bigger problem of using money. Solving that bigger problem will prevent many irritating problems in the future.

Since it is usually the case that the problem does not need to be solved right now, be careful to problem-solve later when the right conditions of unpressured time and congenial attitude exist. In other words, wait to talk it over when you have a much better chance of success.

Time to solve problems should take priority over almost all other things. Stop avoiding difficult things long enough to solve problems that will make life more pleasurable.

Schedule a block of time, possibly a whole Saturday morning, to find solutions to identified problems in your relationship and family. I suggest mornings so that you can have a good afternoon and evening and get a good night's sleep. But anytime will do. It just has to be a block of time. You may not use it all, but it will be there if you need more time.

I often suggest to couples who argue all the time to go out to breakfast one morning a week and focus that time on discussion of problems and solving them. Then, generally, they can avoid discussing complicated or on-going problems at other times. This way, the rest of the week can be more enjoyable.

And, remember, a problem does not need to be solved the first time it is discussed. In fact, rushed decisions are usually uninformed, poor decisions. It takes time to analyze each person's needs and perceptions. And there are often more basic problems that arise that have to be solved first. So a problem worked on every Saturday morning at breakfast for many weeks will have a pretty good solution.

If the two of you do not feel warm and loving toward each other, try to wait to solve the problem until when you want the best for each other. A happy marriage only exists when both people are on each other's side. With the right attitude, it is far easier to give and take. There is a 100% win-win solution for most problems. And most really difficult problems can yield a solution where each person gets 70-80% of his or her needs met.

If you are still critical of the other person, you have not yet defined the problem adequately. For example, if you are angry that your wife wants to spend family vacation money to go to her aunt's funeral, you still do not see the problem as two legitimate needs in competition for the same dollars. If you did, you would not be angry or critical of your wife. (Instead, be angry at the lack of money. Then convert your anger to energy to make a better budget or earn extra dollars.)

Minds open to creative solutions develop cooperative attitudes. To get the best solutions, you must act as a team to identify possibilities. If you are determined to have your own solution, you do not yet have a cooperative attitude. In the example we have been using, if you are bound-and-determined to go to your aunt's funeral at the expense of the family vacation, you are not going to identify ways to make both things happen (win-win).

Instead of fighting or criticizing each other, you should each make your needs and desires known. Actually, you are asking if the other person will help you with your needs. And, of course, for this to work, you will both need to listen to and be concerned for the other. A cooperative attitude is so very important.

Individual differences between you and your partner (those things you often complain about) are very valuable in finding "win-win" solutions. Therefore, try to be a "team" person who does not have to have all of the good ideas in the relationship. Since you are quite different from each another, you should be able to come up with many possible solutions to the problem under consideration. Your differences, if you both keep an open mind, should produce a wider range of possible answers to the problem.

Start creative problem-solving by brainstorming solutions to the problem.

It is important not to be too practical. So, right at the start, throw out a few absurd ideas. An example of absurdity might be for the wife to go to her aunt's funeral and the husband dress up in her clothes (she will have the alibi of being at the funeral) and rob a bank to get money for the family vacation.

When many possible ways of handling the problem have been identified, pick the one that most allows you both to get as much of what you want as possible. When one person's need is clearly most critical, that solution which best meets that need is often the one chosen. Sometimes two problems are addressed at the same time, allowing one person to have a critical need met in one area and the other person a critical need met in another.

You would probably be surprised at how often a solution can be discovered that will meet both needs. In the example we are using, there are a number of possible ways to have a family vacation and go to the funeral. Most obvious is for the family to plan the most fun ever vacation while staying right at home. This would entail doing away with chores that wouldn't have to be done if staying somewhere in a motel. Another solution would entail the family working together to earn the money needed to go to the funeral.

Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW
Colorado Springs, Colorado