Getting Rid of the Messages that Can Destroy Your Happiness

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Getting Rid of the Messages that Can Destroy Your Happiness
© 1998 Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW

I wish I could guarantee that the following would absolutely work to make your life healthier and happier. However, I do not know you and the specifics of your life. However, read what I have written here and see if it can help you start thinking about yourself and about life in a much better, healthier way. I hope that it will improve your life greatly.

We each develop a view of the world from what happens in life. That view, whether correct or false, helps us interpret or misinterpret the events of our adult lives. The wrong lessons lead to wrong perceptions that go on to spoil our lives. These wrong assumptions about life need to be sought out and destroyed. Whatever we think about life that is not confirmed by Scripture is to be destroyed.

Early learning is the most potent. Every time we learn something, we interpret following events through the perspective of what we have already learned. Therefore, the lessons of early childhood are particularly powerful.

Since this is not a perfect world, our parents were not able to be perfect in all that happened to us and around us. We each learned incorrect lessons when we were young.

For example, if life was particularly harsh, we might have decided that the whole world is harsh. Alternatively, if our early life was particularly easy, we might have decided that all of life is easy. In the first case, we would be vigilant to note the harshness in life and end up often seeing impossibility where it is not. We would actually find ourselves avoiding safe things and safe people. In the second case, we would be intimidated when something is particularly hard or difficult and tend to give up easily or get depressed.

So you can see that how we interpreted life when we were younger might still be the way we perceive things. If we saw conflict as dangerous when we were little, we might still be seeing it as difficult, even though interpersonal conflict is rarely dangerous and we are no longer small and helpless.

Of course, we want to identify and eliminate any messages we tell ourselves that are not true and hold us back in life. So, use this booklet to identify them and plan for their destruction in order to live happier lives.

STEP ONE

List the things that happened in childhood that stick out in your mind, both the very good and the bad. Analyze the nature of the family in which you were raised. Also list any serious trauma that you experienced.

STEP TWO

Identify the many possible messages from early life or past trauma that may be destructive to your life's contentment.

Think about your childhood and what you might have decided about life. With the help of friends, discuss these perceptions to find those that are obviously not correct or exaggerated.

This will take some careful thought at first. After you get used to "the hunt", it will become easier.

STEP THREE

Identify "suspected messages" that seem related and com-bine them into dysfunctional messages you tell yourself.

Try to find the root messages from which others come. Destroying those basic messages will go a long way toward eliminating other messages that are derivatives.

STEP FOUR

Tell yourself the truth, over and over again, until the old, false messages are gone. This will take time, but it is worth it.

If you would like to go through this exercise, here is a guide. It is meant to be printed out for your use.

STEP ONE

List the things that happened in childhood that stick out in your mind, both the very good and the bad.

Describe the family in which you grew up. What was it like and what were the people like?

Also list any serious trauma that you experienced.

STEP TWO

Identify the many possible messages from early life or past trauma that may be destructive to your life's contentment and success.

Think about your childhood and ponder how you might have decided life is. With the help of friends, discuss these perceptions to find those that are obviously not correct or are exaggerated.

This will take some careful thought at first. After you get used to "the hunt", it will become easier.

HOW TO HUNT FOR THESE MESSAGES:

Ask yourself when you see a pattern of self-defeating behavior such as listed below. Also ask family and friends what they see.

When do you get too frightened?

When do you get too angry?

When do you get defensive?

When do you feel defeated?

When do you give up?

When are you irritable?

When do you get too frustrated?

When do you get too angry and fight verbally or otherwise?

For each of the above situations, what message might you be giving yourself that causes these behaviors or feelings?

EXAMPLES:
The world is a dangerous place and you must be very careful and not take any chances.
People don't and won't like me.
I'm not very important.
I'm a bad person and don't deserve to be treated right.
I have to have my family around to feel safe.
Authority will always treat you poorly.
I can't do anything right.
If someone is angry with me, they hate me.
I must be in control or something bad will happen.
I can't be a leader/successful/smart/etc.

IDENTIFY OTHER DESTRUCTIVE MESSAGES YOU SEE RUINING PEOPLE'S LIVES:

NOW LIST YOUR OWN SUSPECTED INCORRECT MESSAGES

SUSPECTED BAD (powerfully negative) MESSAGE:

STEP THREE & STEP FOUR

Identify "suspected" messages that seem related. Then combine them into the dysfunctional messages you think you tell yourself.

Try to find the root messages from which others come. Destroying these basic root messages will go a long way toward eliminating other messages that are derivatives.

Tell yourself the truth, over and over again, until the old, false messages are gone. This will take time, but it is worth it.

DYSFUNCTIONAL MESSAGE NUMBER 1:

CORRECT MESSAGE: